Hiraeth (Reader x Spencer Reid)

#23

Once you got off the plane, you felt rested. You had an awful trip. You don't remember this being that difficult at all. You luckily took your motorcycle. You made the decision to break the speed limit down the high way. You were going over 100. You stopped at a liquor store. You got a cheap bottle of vodka. You kept going to the office. 

This isn't you. What are you doing? Is all you could think. That motorcycle gave you an intoxicating energy. You grew in speed. The team had caught up to you, when you stopped. You kept going. You were going 139 when you passed them. You could feel their eyes on you. You breathed in the night air. You felt free, like you didn't have that burden of life on you anymore. You didn't think about Spencer, shit well now you were. Once you got to the office. It took you longer to park then usual. 

You got in the building, the team following, you left your tequila in the compartment under your seat. Morgan caught up to you. "Wow, are you doing ok. I saw you pass us. You had to be going over 100." Morgan asked you. You get it he's concerned. "Time is very slow for those who wait-very fast for those who are scared- very long for those who lament- very short for those who celebrate- but for those who love life is eternal." You said he gave you a weird look as everyone joined you both in the elevator. "William Shakespeare." Spencer said. You nodded. The tears threatening to come spewing out, as he finally gave you some sort of attention. Just as you were arriving you wanted to leave.

"Y/l/n my office, we still need to have that conversation." Hotch said. You sighed, "Yes." You said breathly. You followed Hotch to his office. You both sat in your respective seats. "Have you decided?" He asked. "Being deployed for a month for something top secret. I think I should do it." You answered. "Y/n this is a big decision. The general hand picked you because of your experience in the FBI. They need an answer soon." He said. "I have no idea Hotch.' you sighed' I think I'm going to accept." You got up to walk out and do some paperwork. "Y/n, the general excused you for another day. So just go get some rest. You can do the paperwork tomorrow." You nodded and walked out. 

You starred Reid down. You were pissed. You were going to leave the country and you might not come back, and you couldn't talk about it with the one person you wanted to. He looked as upset. You got outside and drove away on your bike. You were nearing going 150. You drove to Lil's house first. You knocked on the door, when your girl came and ran into your arms. You said goodbye, you had to. You made sure she knew how much you loved her, just in case. 

You drove off into the night. Well, to your moms house. She wasn't home. You fell to the floor and chugged the tequila. The burning sensation in your throat made you feel better. You grabbed a knife. You just made two little cuts. You had to use super glue because they were a little deep. You found Spencers number written on the letter you left your mom for emergencies. You weren't drunk, or were you. You drank more before calling. 

"Dr. Spencer Reid." He said answering. You laughed through your tears, "Why do you answer like that?" You said into the phone. "Who is this?" He said. "Ouch, you know I thought the ignoring me was some kind of act, but am I really a stranger?" You said crying into the phone. "Y/n? Are you drunk?" He said. "You tell me genius." You said. "Where are you?" He asked. "At my mom's." You said before hanging up. You were crying in the dark.  

You don't remember this so SPENCER POV:

I was on my way home when I got a call. I heard her crying. I felt bad. She was obviously not doing good and I wasn't helping. I turned the car around and headed to her mom's house. Her mom gave me a key I visited often to take y/n's car out. When I got there I walked in, It was pitch black I turned on light as I looked for her. I then saw her she was sitting against the wall.Her head rested in between her knees. She was silently sobbing. "Y/n? It's Spence." She looked up. "Get out! Leave me alone!" She screamed at me. "what's wrong?" I knew I shouldn't have said that. I knew the answer.

She stood up and started to push me out. She was almost hitting me. She was strong. I pulled her in and hugged her. "No. Don't fucking touch me." She pushed away. I felt so bad, the last thing I wanted to do was hurt her. This is going to sound bad but, she won't remember this, should I try and find out what's been going on. No, that's wrong. But I want to make sure she is doing ok. "Y/n, what's going on." She looked so upset over such a simple question.

"Qué está pasando? Realmente Spencer, estoy siendo desplegado para trabajar una misión secreta y usted me ha estado evitando todo el día. Me trataste como una mierda. Me sentí fatal por marcharme, así que me vuelco a hacerme daño y alcoholismo. Ya sabes lo que te ha chupado. Para pensar que te ha chupado. Para pensar que gusto. Solo querías sexo. Nunca debería haber empezado la relación con el sexo. Dios, soy tan estúpido." (What's going on? Really, Spencer, I'm being deployed to work a secret mission and you've been avoiding me all day. You treated me like shit. I felt awful for leaving so what did I turn to, self harm and alcoholism. You know what fuck you. To ever think you would like me. You just wanted sex. I never should've started the relationship with sex. God I'm so stupid.) She ranted in spanish? I know spanish but I can't understand it that fast, especially when she slurs her words. 

"I didn't understand that." I told her. "Why are you here?" She asked going back to english. "You called me, and you were drunk." I said. "Get out, I'm used to this I can handle myself." She said pushing me out 'used to this'? What? Did she get drunk often. I was so caught up in her words I didn't realise she had pushed me out, until she slammed the door in my face. 

A/N

I don't know how I feel about this. So, do you guys think she should go or not? LMK. Please don't resort to self harm ever, it truly solves nothing. I have many cuts from myself and they scars people judge me for. Those conversations are never fun. If you are self harming, my messages are always open if you need to talk. I check them daily too.