if i could tell her || dianetti

8

Over the next two months, Rosa's visits to Gina's apartment became routine. She would go over whenever she could to help take care of Iggy or clean up the apartment or just be there so Gina could vent. None of the squad knew about the visits, and Rosa decided she liked it better that way.

~

Rosa and Gina sat together on the couch in Gina's living room.

"I'm ordering Chinese food, what do you want?" Gina says, tapping away at her phone screen.

"We had Chinese the other day, Gines," Rosa groans. "Order something else." 

"Fine." Gina lays her head on Rosa's shoulder dramatically. "Mexican or Italian?"

"Italian."

Gina silently taps at her phone for a few moments, ordering their food. 

"I like that name, by the way," she grins.

"Huh?" Rosa asks.

"Gines. It's cute. You started calling me it the day in the closet. I don't even think you realized."

Rosa's face turns red and her heart starts racing. 

Shit, she thought to herself. She wondered how many times she had let the nickname slip in the past few months. She knew she couldn't let herself get close to Gina, yet here she was sitting in her apartment, eating takeout she had paid for, calling her Gines, and taking care of her kid. Why would she do this to herself? She had built an entire life with Gina in her mind, and she'd used Gina's situation to spend time alone with her to fuel the idea that there was a her and Gina. But there wasn't, she was well aware of the fact, and this needed to end. 

"Gina," she sits up suddenly, "I gotta go."

She leaves the couch to get her jacket and purse and heads for the door.

"What? Why?" Gina asks concerned.

"Work stuff," Rosa says in a straight tone.

"You're lying," Gina says under her breath.

Rosa turns around to face her. "What?"

"I said you're lying," she says more firmly. "I thought things were different now."

"What are you talking about?" Rosa says through gritted teeth.

"I don't know, Rosa. You're the only person I've been honest with about all the shit I'm dealing with, and I know you let your guard down when it's just me and you. I just figured we'd cut the bullshit and let each other in, you know?" 

"It was a mistake letting my guard down," Rosa says, her voice breaking.

"Of course it was," Gina scoffs.

"I can't fucking do this anymore!" Rosa yells as she feels tears filling in her eyes.

"Oh, of course you can't. You can sit here and watch me be vulnerable, but the second you realize that your guard is down and that you're showing emotions it's not okay. Right, Rosa? Because 'emotions are gross' and you just don't wanna deal with yours!" Gina yells back, her voice cracking.

"No, Gina! I can't fucking do this because I'm in love with you! And I can't let you in because I know if I do you'll break my fucking heart! And I can't keep letting myself get close to you when I know there's no chance I could ever have you! And I can't keep being here with you because every time I look at you I just wanna grab your face and kiss you! And I have this insane fucking fantasy in my head that maybe there could be an us! And every second we spend just you and me the lunacy gets deeper and deeper and deeper and I need it to fucking stop!" Rosa freezes, realizing the words and the feelings she had pushed to the back of her mind were now out in the open.

Shocked, Gina leaves the couch and walks over to Rosa.

"Gina, I..." Rosa starts as she begins to back away.

But before she can say anything, Gina grabs hold of her face with one hand and her waist with the other and pulls her into a deep, urgent kiss.