It's not as it seems (Everlark story)

Chapter 4: Awkward

Chapter 4

Katniss P.O.V.

They won't air the show on the TV for months, so the girls and I decided not to tell anyone but to let them see for themselves.

They start airing it the weeks before the live performances starts. So I'm going to be one of them, since they voted me to be in the next round.

Annie drove Madge home, then to her house, after that I take over the wheel to drive Prim and I home. Now I'm lying in my bed, looking up at the ceiling, thinking of how much my life sucks. How it sucks to be me. And that's actually true. I can barely look myself in the mirror nowadays. Whenever I see myself, I see what I did and what happened, and how it was all my fault. And I'm so ashamed.

I look at my arm, I'm holding a paper towel against it. I take it away, grinning badly because of the pain. The paper towel had got stuck in the newly opened wound, I did it the minute I came through the door to my room.

No one knows that I cut. And no one will ever know. It's not that I'm ashamed over it, but I'm not happy over it either. I just don't know what else to do. I don't want the others to be concerned.

It won't stop bleeding. So I hold the paper towel back down over the wound and rest my arm and hand over my stomach again.

I sigh. I wish my life didn't suck this badly. I have bad thoughts. Really, really bad thoughts. Thoughts about what would be the easiest way to die. To end my life. I'm scared to think these thoughts, but somehow it's calming as well. To know that I can end all this misery.

What do I have to live for? The only thing I can think about is Prim. But she has my mother and Kyle. And she has Ali. She could manage without me. It's me who wouldn't be able to manage without her.

I keep my eyes closed hard, one single tear leave the corner of my right eye, and flows down on my pillow.

I do have Annie. I have Finnick. My brother, in everything but DNA. But they have each other. And Madge has Gale. Peeta... He doesn't even care. He hates me and wouldn't care if I left the earth. And he has every girl in the school.

Maybe I would do everyone I know a favor if I died. Yeah I think so.

My phone beeps.

I leave the paper towel on my arm as I reach for my phone, which I put on my nightstand.

Finnick has started a group chat.

Finnick 😂: Guys, my parents left with my brother to go see our grandparents, house empty! 🎉

Gale 🐷: Cool! Party!

Madge 💋: Sleepover? I think I can make Mason give me some of his alcohol! What do you use your older brothers for if not that? 😂😂😂👍

Annie 😘: We don't have to get drunk you know 😂

Madge 💋: I know, but it's fun.

Me: Ugh do I have to come?

Annie 😘: Yes!

Peeta 😒😥: I don't want to...

Finnick 😂: But you have to!

Gale 🐷: Yeah and I'm coming to get you just to make sure!

Me: Well I'm not gonna drink.

Madge 💋: So you say now 😏

Ugh. I put down the light on my phone. I press the home button to look at my wallpaper. It's Peeta and I, one summer ago. Peeta is smiling so big and I'm looking at him smiling as well.

The photo was taken about four months before everything fell apart between us. I have this photo as my wallpaper because I want to remind myself of what was. That my life was good once, and that it hasn't always been this crappy and sucky. That I actually was happy once.

I put my phone back onto my nightstand. I swing my feet off my bed and sit at the edge.

I take away the paper towel from my arm and see it has finally stopped bleeding.

I walk to my closet to pick out an outfit.

I choose a pair of soft orange short shorts, and a green long sleeved crop top.

I always wear long sleeved shirts and crop tops nowadays of course. I can't risk anyone see my wounds. I don't care so much about my scars, because I can put makeup over them to hide them. I can't put makeup on the open wounds though so, long sleeve it is.

I pack my bag and take my sleeping bag. I take my sun glasses and put them onto my head. I take my keys and my phone and put them into my bag.

I walk out of my room. When I've walked down the stairs I meet Prim as she walk out of the kitchen with a lollipop stuck inside her mouth.

"Where are you going?" She asks looking at my green sleeping bag.

"The others are forcing me to a sleepover at Finnick's", I sigh.

"Good", Prim laughs.

"Not good", I say.

"Yes good!", Prim says. "Ali is coming over soon anyways".

"I'll see you tomorrow little duck", I say.

She nods and walks into the living room.

I sigh and walk to the door. I put on my flip flops before opening the door.

The sun hit my eyes and I flip down my sunglasses over my eyes.

It's not a long way to walk over to Finnick, so I leave my car at home. I want to walk. I have to calm myself down before coming to Finnick. I still feel the urge to cut, but now I can't.

It takes me about fifteen minutes to arrive at Finnick's house.

I don't even bother to knock on the door or press the doorbell. I just open the door and walk in. I see that everyone is already there.

"There you are!" Annie says. "I almost thought that we would have to go and get you".

"I walked that's all", I say as I slide my sunglasses back up on my head.

"Aah" Madge says.

Peeta is sitting in the couch, looking at his phone. Madge walks in to the kitchen with a plastic bag. I can hear glass bottles in it.

I don't feel totally calmed down yet.

I dump my things on the floor and go sit beside Peeta in the couch.

"Hey", I say.

"Hi", he mumbles distant, as he locks his phone and quickly slides it down his jeans pocket.

We sit in the couch awkwardly.

It was never awkward between us before. Nowadays it's always awkward. And I hate it.

"How are you?" I ask, trying to make conversation.

"Fine", Peeta says short, fiddling with his nails.

The awkwardness is making me really nervous. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I want to fix things between us, but I think they may be broken forever.

"Peeta I..." I start but Finnick interrupts me by announcing that the games can begin.

Ugh.

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Hey guys, I hope you liked the chapter.

Will Katniss and Peeta's relationship be broken forever?

Please vote and comment.

-Josephine xx

Ps: Please read my new book, it's called Two Worlds, it would mean a lot to me.