It's not as it seems (Everlark story)

Chapter 11: Hard

Chapter 11

Katniss P.O.V.

The first day in school I avoided everyone's glances. People are looking at me wherever I go.

I'll always gonna be the "suicide girl", in their eyes. Nothing more, nothing less. And I don't like it. I mean I guess that it's my own fault, but whatever.

I do have my friends around me though, and thy don't hesitate to snap at the people who's glaring at me.

I know that my friends will always have my back. At first I thought that Peeta was kind to me in a dream. You know you dream something that feels scary much alike reality and you can't really tell if it was a dream or not. But I know I'm awake now and he's being really kind to me. It feels as if I've gotten my best friend back.

Finnick won't let me out of his sight. He says that he's afraid to lose me again. When I pointed out to him that he didn't really lose me, he pointed out that he did.

"When I got Prim's phone call my whole world came crashing down and I literary threw up, and at the hospital when you were in a coma I felt numb and when they told me that you weren't going to wake up and they had to turn your life support off, I just didn't feel any life left in my body. Blood or not, you're my sister and I did lose you, even for a short time, but I did".

I started crying like a baby when he told me this and just hugged him, feeling like a little girl, hugging her big brother. Finnick will always be my brother no matter what.

But there is something I haven't told the others. A feeling I have in my body. The feeling of irritation. Irritation over that I'm still alive. I don't wanna be alive. I mean yeah I love my friends, my family, my brother. But I can't shake the feeling of being misplaced. It really feels like I don't belong here, and that I shouldn't be here. I feel like a joke here, and I don't wanna be here. This is not my place and I just know it with all my heart.

But I don't know if I can do anything about it anymore. I tried once and I didn't succeed. I could try it again, but can I really risk to not succeed again? If I try it again and not succeed, I could lose my friends. Maybe they wouldn't stick around for me one more time. But let's say I succeed. What would happen to my friends? My family? What would happen to Finnick? Would they continue life as normal? How would they arrange my funeral?

If they knew what's in my head right now, they would panic and take me to the hospital. That's why I keep these thoughts to myself, and not let anyone else know about it.

I don't know what to do anymore. It feels like it's a harder decision this time, especially now when Peeta and I are friends again.

When I think of Peeta, something's happening with me. My stomach gets all bubbly, and I feel how I get nervous. I really love him. But I'm not gonna push the limits. I'm really not. First, we just became friends again, second, I'm not even sure if I wanna continue this life.

This is hard. Life is hard. Is it this hard for everyone? I don't know. Probably not everyone, but a lot of people surely have a struggle, but everyone struggles with different things. My struggle is the worst I can imagine, trying to go on after being raped and tried to commit suicide after not being able to cope. For me it can't get worse, but probably for other people there are worse things.

"Katniss?!"

I jerk and look up. Annie is snapping her fingers in front of my face.

"Huh?" I ask.

"The class is over", she says. "You kinda dozed off fifteen minutes in, but the teacher didn't want to force you into working".

I sigh irritated as I push my chair backwards and stand up.

"I hate all this pity", I say. "I didn't try to kill myself for pity. I tried to kill myself because I hate my life".

Annie's lower lip shakes. Damn. I talked without thinking. I have to stop doing that. Lucky me Annie is the only one here.

I look at Annie. Her red hair is set up in a bun on top of her head and her clear green eyes are now filling with tears. Horror covers her now very pale face.

I sigh tired.

"Annie... I'm sorry", I say and touch her arm. "I'm just... I'm so tried of being pitied with".

She doesn't say anything. She just nods her head short and starts walking out of the classroom, clutching her books tightly.

I grab my books and runs after her.

"No Annie, wait please I'm sorry", I say as I catch up with her. I grab her arm and forces her to stop. "I didn't mean it that way".

"Than what did you mean Katniss? Because seriously, no matter how much I try, you seem to be stuck in this", she says. "And don't try to lie to me, I know you're angry over the fact that you didn't succeed, but you can at least try to make an effort to try to change your life around, I can't do that for you no matter how hard I try".

Tears are flowing down her eyes. I just look at her. She sees right through me. I can't fool her. I don't know how I could think I could when I've never been able to do that.

"You're my best friend Katniss, how do think it feels for see you like this? To hear you lie over and over when you say that you're okay now, you're not okay", she continues. "And I'm scared to death that you'll try to commit suicide again".

"Annie..." I try but she holds up a hand to silence me.

"Everyday I call you in the morning to make sure you're still alive", she says. "But every night before I go to sleep I worry that you might not answer my call in the morning, it's not fun to worry everyday, but until I'm sure you're not gonna try it again, I can't do anything but worry. And to hear you talk like that, it's like my fears comes true".

"Annie stop! I didn't mean it like that. I'm just tired of being pitied with", I say. "You know me, you know I hate pity". I take her hand. "Annie, you're my best friend, and I know I can't fool you, I just... What happened to me will stick with me my entire lie, it will destroy me", I continue.

"Not it you don't let it destroy you Katniss", she says.

Not if you don't let it destroy you. Is she right? Is it really up to me?

I don't know what to believe actually. I never know what to believe anymore. Everything just seems so complicated now. And this is honestly giving me a really bad headache.

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Hey guys, I hope you all liked the chapter.

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-Josephine xx