The Last Woman

Polymorph

In the next few days, Zora had managed to fix the old polaroid camera Rimmer had given her. Despite it being an antique it still worked well and she finally had something to decorate the walls of her room. There were already several drunken photos mostly of her and Lister and some of her and Cat. There were some dorky ones of Rimmer some of which featured Zora as Lister had made it his mission to secretly take pictures of the two. A few of Cat always magically turned up on her wall a few times a fortnight.

Zora was wondering through the quiet grey halls of Ref Dwarf in search of the other boys. She was originally headed to Lister's quarters for he had told her he had nicked some things from the medical bay and was cooking a fancy meal. In her way, however, she had caught sight of Rimmer and Kryten watching what seemed to be an old movie.

"That's me there. Those are my brothers. John, Frank and Howard. God, we were close, the four musketeers we used to call ourselves. Well, the three Musketeers actually. They always let me be the Queen of Spain."

Zora had to put her hand over her mouth to stop the laughter that threatened to burst through her lips. Rimmer glanced back at her questioningly.

Marvellous. I mean is as the butt of the occasional practical joke. But I mean, nothing sinister," Rimmer reminisced.

Zora raised an eyebrow in question as she watched the screen in which young Rimmer was pinned down, with a face full of jam and his brothers pouring ants on his face.

"Just the usual boyhood pranks, you know. Apple pie beds and black eye telescope. And one time they even hid a small landmine in my sandpit" he declared unfased.

"A what now?" Zora sighed letting that sink in.

"Took it from my father's gun cabinet. I mean how're they supposed to know it was going to go off?" He laughed unphased by what he was saying, whilst Zora stared at the man in a quizzical fashion.

"I have no idea if I'm more concerned with the fact your Dad just had landmines or the fact your brothers took said landmine and put it in your sandpit!" She exclaimed with concern staring at Rimmer who took no notice of Zora's outburst as a woman came on screen.

"Oh, and who's that there an old girlfriend, sir?" Kryten asked in a slightly teasing manner. Zora knowing Rimmer's lack of ability to flirt decided that that was highly unlikely.

"Hardly," Rimmer commented, turning to look at the mechanoid briefly with a minor look of disgust in his eyes.

"No, not really your type I suppose. Silly old trout like that." Kryten backtracked not realising he was digging himself into a far bigger hole than before.

"She's my mother."

Zora snorted. Then burst into fits of laughter which she tried her best to contain as Kryten blabbered on to Rimmer apologising profusely for his comments which only seemed to irritate the hologram more and adding to Zora's amusement.

"Forget it!" Rimmer insisted, then looking to the woman still chortling in the background, he raised an eyebrow. "Honestly Zora, I never thought you would be so childish."

"I'm glad to disappoint you." She laughed finally calming herself down and leaning on the back of the chair Rimmer was sat in. Her arm slightly going through the edge of his hologram.

"There she is. Magnificent woman. Very prim, very proper. Some say austere."

"Some say aquatic," Zora snuck in sniggering to herself then attempt as if she hadn't said anything when Rimmer whipped his head around to stare daggers at the brown-haired woman.

"Some people took her for cold, thought she was aloof," Rimmer continued trying to ignore the small giggles still coming from his friend. "Not a bit of it. Just despised idiots. No time for fools," he declared proudly. "Tragic really otherwise we would've got on famously."

"Well if you excuse me, Sir, I'll go now. This is clearly a very private family moment. I've not fish to embarrass you further. I'll let myself trout," Kryten said not quite realising his mistake until Zora let out a howl of laughter and he was almost out the door. He went on apologising again until Rimmer yelled at him to get lost.

"Is it really that funny?" Rimmer admonished whilst attempting

"I don't want you two to panic but it does appear there's a very tiny possibility that there may very well, in all likelihood, possibly be a none human life form on board," Holly said with her usual deadpan expression.

Zora rolled her eyes and looked at Rimmer with the same expression he had. One of disbelief and mild irritation.

"You mean like last time? When you got us all worked up? And we all went charging down to the cargo bay with bazookoids and backpacks?" Zora questioned putting her free hand on her hip and cocking her head slightly with pursed lips.

"Yes and it turned out to be one of Lister's socks of all things,' Rimmer huffed as they both looked at the floating head on the screen.

"I didn't recognise the genetic structure.  Genetically speaking, they were a completely new life form," Holly pointed out.

"Well let's go pester Lister then because if this is another one of his socks I think I might make him eat it," The brown-haired woman sighed to the hologram as they marched along red dwarf in search of the Scouser.

When Zora arrived at the door to the quarters Rimmer and Lister shared she was praying that she wouldn't walk in on some of the strange and gross cooking Lister was attempting with the medical equipment. Oh, how she wished she had walked in on that rather than Lister writhing in the floor shouting as Kryten knelt in front of him. When Kryten tore himself away he was holding an extremely small pair of shorts.

Zora was just standing at the pair mildly mortified and very confused by what she had just seen.

"Well I can't say I'm totally shocked," The hologram sighed crossing his arms and looking at Lister as a disappointed parent would look upon a child. "You'll bonk anything, won't you Lister?"

"Kryten the boxers, where are they?" Lister didn't seem to care about Rimmer's comment which tore Zora from her strange daze.

"I threw them over here," Kryten said turning around and scanning the bed. "There's nothing here but the pillows and the blanket and snake, " Kryten listed nonchalantly. Zora stared on in utter confusion as the mechanoid pulled a snake out of Lister's bunk.

"Snake?"

"Snake!" Lister cried and Zora jumped back as she saw a snake going flying through the air wrapping it around Lister's neck as he shouted and tossed about.

"What the smeg is going on!" Zora and Rimmer shouted together and Lister stuffed the massive snake into a large grey bin that Zora could only wonder as to why it was so conveniently here.

"I hate snakes. They freak me out totally snakes. They are my all-time second-worst fear, guy," Lister rambled walking back and forth in his dressing gown and slowly approaching the grey object.

Zora inched forwards towards as well draw in by the madness going on, on what had actually started out as a somewhat normal day on Red dwarf.

"And what's your first?" She questioned as Lister flung open the bin and out sprung a hideous ten-foot-tall monster with razor-sharp teeth and slime all over.

"That!"