That's Just The Way The World Works

How Do You Know?

     The apartment felt like unknown territory as I became very uncomfortable in the space. I was staring at Peter's back, waiting for him to turn around. When he spoke to Olivia, he was recognizable again but there was no escaping this situation... Instead of turning around and yelling at me some more he kneeled down and started to pour the alcohol on the towel. I took the hint and walked around to the couch, sitting down. Suddenly, I felt as if I was trespassing. Maybe I was downplaying the situation but that's just what I do, I didn't want him to be so worried. I wish he didn't care so much.

    I'm startled slightly as Peter takes my hand and puts the alcohol on my arm, dabbing lightly and cleaning the wound on my bicep. He doesn't say anything... I studied his expression, pieces of his hair resting just over his eyes, he seemed concentrated as he started to wrap a bandage around my arm.

   "Take your shirt off." he pauses, "please."

    These short responses were almost worse than his yelling.

    I pull my shirt off, wincing a little at the wound that went down my neck to my collarbone.

   I'm looking down at the wound expecting Peter to clean it but when it felt like too long, I looked up. This... This was a different expression...

   His eyes stared at my collarbone, no glint being seen in his eyes as if he was trying to convince himself it wasn't real. His expression is almost stone cold. I reach to take the towel from his hand to do it myself when he intercepts and grabs my hand, "why did you go?"

   I feel my heart stop... "I wanted to help... I thought I would be able to find something."

  "You could have just told me."

  "No I couldn't have."

  "Why not?"

   I take my hand away from his, "Because... You seem to have been taking a while when it comes to Hammerhead--"

   He raises his eyebrows.

  "I thought I could do it... Myself." I stopped from saying too much... I wasn't sure why I felt this way towards Peter but it seemed he was the only one doing the giving in the relationship. For once, I'd like to be the one. Was I even capable of achieving what he has? Would I always be this deadweight??

"These are mob bosses--people who have been in the game for ages, and you thought you could do it?"

  "I wasn't planning on fighting-"

  "But you were put in a situation where you had to."

  "Well maybe I would have been fine if you hadn't called me!"

   He stops.

   ...

   ...

   ...

  "So this was my fault?"

  "No that's not what I'm saying."

  "Then what are you saying, Michelle?"

  "I'm saying if not for that, I probably would be fine."

   He bites his lip. "... You really thought there was no way in hell you'd die?"

  "Well... Not no way in hell."

  "You could have died. What do you think would have happened if I hadn't come?? If Olivia hadn't told me?? Where would you be right now?? Don't you know how fucking scary that is?" His eyes started to shine as he looked at me deep in my own... This is not who I am. I don't need you worrying about me--I seriously can't even handle things myself???

  "I'm just deadweight... Aren't I?"

  "—No. Nonono, Michelle you are my everything. If I lost you, I don't know what I'd do."

   My heart jumps, I wasn't expecting those heavy words.

  "Please... Never do that again."

   "..." I look down.

    There's this silence between us that might have been deadly until I feel his tender fingers run across my jawline to my chin, tipping my head up gently.

    No... I didn't want to look at him. I can't...

    His eyes find mine, his deep brown eyes somehow finding their way to me. I feel the cold towel gently come down my neck and clean my collar bone. My eyes water, the shock of the situation only now hitting me. I wanted to prove myself so bad that I did the stupidest thing ever... Now he's paying the price with me. Maybe Eddie was right after all: I only bring people down.

  "I'm sorry." I utter out... Dammit.

   I feel a tear run down the side of my face and my lip quivers. Peter's eyes haven't left mine.

  "How..." I break off, "how have you not given up on me?" I've given him nothing. My dad gave up on me. I gave up on me so long ago. So why hasn't he?

   He wipes the tear from my face with his thumb, "how could I?" his eyes water, the relief from the situation probably hitting him now.

   He searches my eyes, the silences enveloping us until all I hear is his voice:

  "I love you."

   Those words again... They weren't as scary as they were before...

  "How do you know?" I ask softly.

   He leans in and presses his soft lips against mine.
   When he pulls apart he gives me a soft smile, "Because, when I imagine you never coming to this apartment in the first place my heart aches. I can't stop thinking about you and every time I am with you, it's like heaven on earth."

   My eyes water... I've never heard something so genuine in my life. His eyes still didn't leave mine.
  "Wanna head to bed?" he asks.

   I nod and get up walking to his and before climbing in beside him. I lay on my side as I looked at his back that faced me. He turned off the lights and turned towards me, closing his eyes...   

   Was this really possible? Sleeping beside him after this awful night?

   I reach out and place a hand on his cheek, running a thumb across his cheek.

   He opens his eyes and puts a hand over mine, "what is it?"

   I search his eyes in the dark... Who knows where I'd be without him... after today... he needed to know... my heart beats rapidly as I then whisper.

  "I love you, too."