321 Reasons

The snow? Really?

"I don't know, I guess my dog. I don't think he'd be happy if I died."
I think his name was Marco. He was two seats away from my seat and that means that after Gina it was me. The curious old lady was going to ask me what reasons I had for living. How was I supposed to tell her I didn't have any. What was I even supposed to say. It's not like anyone here had any good reasons. What was even the point of therapy or the point of a group for people who tried killing themselves? It's not like she can magically give us reasons that would make us want to live.

"My little sister." Jeez Gina's voice was loud. "If I wasn't here then there'd be no one to look after her." She said some other stuff about her family but I zoned out. Family? What bullshit. Why would you stay for family. It's not like they ever do anything for you.

Shit. It's my turn. "Luna, whats one reason you're still alive?" The old lady asked me with this stupid smile on her face like this was such a happy topic and we were all such happy people. I adjusted myself in my seat. These seats were uncomfortable. I looked outside and everything was white. We didn't have heat in the room so it was probably just as cold as it was outside. Everyone was still looking at me, or at the ground. No one wanted to be here.

"Um. I guess the snows nice...If I died I would miss the snow."
Some people picked their heads in a puzzling way. Really? The snow? That's the best you could think of? It's not even yours. Why didn't you say Jeremy or something. He's your brother, don't you think you'd miss him. Yeah, but he wouldn't miss me. So yeah.. snow. God I couldn't wait to leave. I squinted at the clock on the far back wall and watched it's slow ticking. 3:57. We're almost there. I started biting my nails because it's the only way I felt like I knew what was happening and the only way I felt in control of the things around me. I looked at them after a while and saw how disgusting they looked.

4:00 pm
Thank god.
"Okay bye guys! Today was a really good day, but you do have homework. Before next session, I want you all to come up with ten more reasons not to want to die. It can be anything, from your family, to...snow." She looked at me and smiled when she said that. She was totally mocking me for my stupid answer.

4:07 pm
I started walking to the bus station because god knows mom would never pick me up from there. She's too ashamed to have her only daughter in therapy. I kicked the snow that was on the path in front of me. Snow. Stupid snow. Is snow really the only reason I'm alive. I looked up from the ground and saw how dirty the snow was. All the snow near the curbs had turned greyish and black and it didn't look that pretty. My fingers started shivering, and I didn't know if it was because of the cold or because I needed to smoke. I decided it was because I need to smoke and stopped at the corner mart on the way back.

"Six dollars and twenty eight cents." The cashier looked like he could probably murder me. His unshaven face disgusted me and I wanted to leave. Why is everything so disgusting. I put my crumbled up five dollars on the table and checked whatever coins I had in my pocket. Twenty five cents, twenty five cents, ten cents, twenty five cents, five cents, five cents, ten cents, ten cents. That's all I had. I should have taken more money this morning. Maybe he wouldn't notice.

"You're short thirteen cents"
Damn it. "Uh...this is all I have."
"If you want the cigarettes- six dollars and twenty eight cents."
"Well I don't have thirteen cents"
"Then you're not getting the cigarettes"

"Here, thirteen cents." This girl who was waiting behind me spoke up. She has a soft accent and looked around my age. I looked at the counter to see her thin brown hands placing some pennies and a dime on the counter. I looked at her up and down, first drawn by her bright purple hair. She looked at me, probably wondering why I was staring at her so long, and its not like I had a good reason. "Thanks" I muttered. I quickly took the cigarettes and walked out the store. I am never going back in there.

A car honked at me as I crossed the street because I didn't stop. Don't pedestrians always have the right of way? I took a cigarette out and lit it as I reached the other side of the road. I should probably tell dad I was coming home now. He, unlike mom hadn't shunned me completely for being a disgrace to the family, but we weren't like best friends. He was...tolerable. I took my phone out but the cigarette box fell out of my pocket as well. Damn it. Why are you so stupid. I went to pick it up but I saw another hand reach for it. I panicked because I thought they'd try to steal it or something and I really needed it; I couldn't afford buying another one. I looked up to see the same purple haired girl from the corner mart who paid for me. She's here to make fun of me for not having thirteen cents. God I never wanted to see her again. Why was she following me.

"Cigarettes aren't good for you, you know."
Jeez, like that was just gonna make me quit? I know they aren't good for me, but that's not going to make me stop.
"Yeah I know."

4:27 pm
I began walking and she started walking behind me. Hopefully she got the message I didn't want to become friends. I wanted to never see her again. I was almost at the bus stop, and she had kept walking alongside me.

"My names Sophia by the way." God, why doesn't she understand. I looked back at her. "Luna" and she told me that it was a pretty name.

The bus came exactly at 4:30 and I got on quickly, hoping she wouldn't get on as well. I sat in the middle near the window and put my headphones in. I don't have to talk to anyone and the world doesn't exist anymore. I focused on the lyrics of the song, and didn't notice anyone else around me.

The world doesn't exist.