321 Reasons

My Valentine

Saturday 9:00 pm
I heard mom and dad yelling downstairs over mom grounding me and about the cigarettes. She was mad dad already knew and never told her. She was mad that he said he would take me to therapy because she still didn't think I need it. They argued about other stuff too like bills and food. I wish the world wasn't as hard as it was. I tried ignoring them and tried thinking about Niji saying I can like girls. I know people like girls, there's nothing wrong with it, it's just not me. I am thinking about it a lot though. Maybe everyone just thinks about it. Maybe if I think about it, I'll realize that I don't like girls. So I thought about it more and all I could think about was Sophia. I didn't like her, I barely knew her. But the mystery between us was interesting.

Jeremys friends, Marco, boys, purple hair, boys, boys lifting their shirt, blue eyes, boys' abs, being kissed by a boy, black squarish glasses, boys, boys, boys, small brown hands, boys, BOYS, BOYS, BOYS.

Monday 3:00 pm
I walked home with Niji again, she continued walking to her house and I stopped at mine. I sifted through the mail and stopped at a light purple letter addressed to me. The writing looked really loopy like a middle school girl had written it, and I opened it up. My heart started beating a little more. Could it be? What if Sophia had followed me one day and found out where I lived. What if this letter was from her. It is light purple, and she does have purple hair so it does make sense. It looks like a girl wrote it. My heart was beating so fast.

Dear Luna,
Will you be my valentine?
- Anonymous

22. Love letters

Jesus this had to be Sophia. There's no one else it could be. It can't be Niji, even as a joke, she wouldn't do this, and I know her handwriting. I needed to see Sophia again. I could always check the bus again at that time, maybe she had an appointment everyday, maybe thats where she was coming from. If I went right now I could probably catch it. It takes 27 minutes to go from that bus stop to my house. I checked the time. 3:08. I might be able to. I grabbed my keys and the light purple letter and ran to the bus stop near my house. 3:15 the bus finally came. I got on and waited till I got to the stop on maple and acorn. 3: 47 we reached. If she takes the same bus as always then that means at 4:30 she should be here. A bus came at 4:05 and I got on and checked the bus, she wasn't here. I quickly got off. I waited and waited. 4:30 the bus came and everyone got off that wanted to, but no purple haired girl. I sighed in defeat, got on the bus and went home. I opened my door and realized I had just wasted two hours looking for some dumb girl who might not have even sent the letter. Stupid. Stupid.

Tuesday 3:48 pm
I go to therapy on Tuesdays and Friday's and dad finally convinced mom to let me go to therapy, but no where else. It's not like I had anywhere else to go. I zoned out again, looking at the small crack on my floor. I had my reasons list and the light purple letter in my pocket. My mind was full with thoughts about boys and Sophia and Niji and mom and cigarettes and girls and liking girls. I didn't participate the entire hour I was there but the lady did ask me how my list was going so far.

I told her I was on item 27. I had added "scrambled eggs and how they never taste the same", "looking into someone's blue eyes", "the chilly air in December", "having a Valentine on Valentine's Day", and "sharpening a pencil for the first time and seeing the sharp point." And she congratulated me for doing so well. At this point, I had started writing things subconsciously, I didn't have to think about how I'm writing these reasons as a way to remind myself why I'm alive, I just wrote.

I started walking to the bus station after the session was over. I don't know why but I stopped at the corner market, not to buy cigarettes, but just to look around. That's a lie, I knew why. I was hoping she'd be here. She wasn't. I hadn't seen her in a while and it made me think we weren't meant to know each other and it was just a brief interaction.

I got on the bus and I told the bus driver "good afternoon" because I promised myself I would

28. Fulfilling a promise

I sat in the middle seat like always, but for some reason, a lot more passengers were getting on today. Almost all the seats except a few were taken. I hoped that with all these passengers, Sophia would be one too but she wasn't. I noticed a mom with a crying baby become squished between an older man and a hippie woman. There was a tall old suspicious guy in the back of the bus. No purple haired girl though.
29. A bus filled with passengers like on school trips.

So I put my headphones in and shut the world out. A couple seconds later, I felt someone sit next to me which bothered me but I didn't lift my head.

"Do you know why there's so many people on today?" Ugh she wants to talk. I have my headphones in and that's a clear indication that I do not want to talk. I took my headphones out and turned to her while saying "no" but it faded out because Sophia was looking back at me. My mouth was still open I realized, and I quickly shut it because I began panicking. I wanted to see her yeah, but I wasn't ready to sit next to her much less have a conversation with her. If there was anytime to be ballsy, now is the time. My head was banging as I took the purple paper out and said, "did you, did you write this?" She took the paper and looked at it over. "No" she chuckled "why would you think so." I felt so stupid. This love letter wasnt from her. Why did I think it was from her. Obviously she doesn't know where I live, that's so stupid. You freak.

"I dunno, it was purple and your hair..." it sounded so stupid as it left my mouth but it was already too late. That is the stupidest thing I have ever said, but she started laughing. She actually kept laughing, and wouldn't stop. Some people glanced over at her, and she was gasping for air. "You thought it was me because it's purple?" I felt embarrassed now.

30. Embarrassing moments that make you smile

She probably thinks I'm so stupid. "Yeah I guess" I started laughing too now. Her laugh was pretty contagious.
31. Laughing for being stupid
32.Contagious laughter.
33. People looking at you funny

Even though people were looking at us for laughing, it felt different than when people looked at me when I was reading my ten reasons for staying alive. This was more of a "fuck the world, I'll laugh if I want to"

And so there we were, sitting like childhood friends laughing together on a bus.

34. Bus rides with a friend