321 Reasons

No more than 2 pills

2:04 pm
I reached home, and a car was already in the driveway which didn't make any sense because no ones ever home, especially not on Saturdays.
"I'm home!" I yelled, in hopes someone would yell back.

"Where were you?" The shrill voice of my mother said. It sent shivers down my back and my heart beat faster.
"I was with Niji."
"It's been an hour." She put her hands on her hips as if she was waiting for a response as to why I was so late, even though it was just an hour. "You're always out, you're never home. Where do you even go? Buying more cigarettes I'm guessing."

I froze. She wasn't supposed to know. Dad knew. Jeremy knew, he's the one that got me addicted in the first place. Mom was never supposed to find out.
"You think I wouldn't notice the money taken from my purse? You think I wouldn't see the lighter in your room? Do you think I'm an idiot?"

God. Like she needed another reason to hate me. Now she knows I smoke and waste all her money. What was I supposed to say. I looked at her and shrugged in a defeated manner. I wanted to cry. I wanted to tell her it's not my fault, it was Jeremys, that I was addicted to smoking. I wanted to ask her why she was even home. I wanted to say that one hour wasn't a long time. I wanted to tell her I did smoke and I did take money out of her purse, but I didn't do it today. "Go to your room. You're not going out again, not even to therapy next week. You don't need it."

I went upstairs and took my jacket off and threw it on the bed. Jesus fuck. Twenty reasons so far. Bullshit. Twenty reasons is not enough to want to stay here. What if I actually did it this time. It's not like anyone would care. Jeremy wouldn't even notice. Mom would get to save more money. Niji has her other friends. Dad would be sad, but it wouldn't be the end for him. Everyone would be fine without me. I don't have a life altering position in anyone's life and if I were to do it, like really do it right now, it would be better. I started crying and I reread all the reasons. I'm going to do it right now, and I'll succeed. I went to the bathroom and looked at the pill bottles in the cabinet.

DO NOT TAKE MORE THAN 2 TABLETS A DAY.

Okay so if I took five right now, that should do it. List of reasons in one hand, pills in the other. I looked in the mirror and my heart was pounding. I need to do it. Right now.
I opened my mouth and gulped one pill down.

Tears streamed down and my face was bright red. I hated myself. I hated everything I did. I hated my eye bags and my ugly orange brown hair. I hated mom and I hated Jeremy and I hated group therapy where everyone judged me, and I hated the purple haired girl and I hated Niji. I hated everything In the world and decided I probably should start a list on reasons to lull myself and I would probably be able to fill that list up quicker.
I ate another one.

You're almost there, you're doing great. But you can't do it. Because you can't do anything right. You can't even kill yourself properly. I was shaking at this point, everything was blurry, my reasons to live list was drenched in tears, and the ink started smudging. I reread it again starting from the top. I stopped at purple hair. I thought about Sophia. I couldn't die today. I had to pay her back. How was I going to pay her back? I don't even see her. I could go to her house. HER HOUSE ? Really? You idiot. How would you explain how you knew where she lived. It's thirteen cents, do you really need to pay her back. She probably doesn't need the thirteen cents, but I still wanted to see her.

So reason twenty one. Thirteen cents. I had to pay someone back thirteen cents, and so I won't eat more pills today.