321 Reasons

Guys that do crack

Saturday 1:00pm
Niji texted me yesterday telling me she needed to hang out today and talk about her boy problems. This wasn't the first time we had met up to talk about the latest guy she was crushing over. I don't know why but I brought my list of things- list of reasons to stay alive- THE list. I need a name for it, but that's a later problem. I had added "chocolate ice cream", "cigarettes and the little smoke that comes out of them", "walking home alone like you're on a journey" and "snuggling up in a blanket after freezing your fingers off". Reasons 14,15,16 and 17. The old lady didn't tell me how many reasons I needed, but I decided the more the merrier.

18. Coffee shops.
I don't always like drinking coffee but I do always like the smell of it, and the smell when you walk into a coffee shop, that's definitely a reason to stay alive. I wonder if the old lady will understand all my reasons if I ever show her the list. She'll probably think I'm the weirdest teenager around. Then again, she is my therapist, she already thinks I'm weird.

Niji waved me over, and it seemed she had already ordered some coffee for herself and a croissant. I sat down and ordered a latte and took my jacket off. I made sure she couldn't see the reasons list but I'm not sure why. She was my best friend and it should be something I'm okay with showing her. But for now it was my little secret, my way to somehow enjoy the world around me, and after everything, I needed something that was just mine. I crumbled the list in my fist and stuffed it into my jacket pocket.

"So Braxton and I were talking the other day after school and he was acting kinda flirty but I wasn't sure where it was going and I said it was kinda cold and he offered me his hoodie, and I just. I think I died a little..." She loves talking. "... I told him he was funny so he would be into me and all. And you know when guys do the thing where they take off their hoodie and their shirt lifts up and you can see their abs and it's just so overwhelming?" No I didn't know. I had never had a boyfriend before, I never even noticed boys that much, just Jeremy and he wasn't that attractive to look at either. "Yeah that's hot."

"I know!! And he walked me all the way home and I totally thought he was going to kiss me, but he didn't but its okay, we'll get there."
19. When people get really excited to tell stories

1:48 pm
We finished eating and started walking home together. She lived four houses down the street from me and we always walked to school together. I guess that's the only real reason we're friends, we don't really have much else in common. She plays the bass in school and she's really good at ceramics. She wants to go to medschool too which requires a lot of work. What if you go through all of medschool and then decide you don't want to be a doctor. I don't really do as much as Niji does in regards to focusing in school and participation. I don't play any instruments and I'm not even sure what I want to do with my life. I'm really not sure why were friends, but we are, and she's nice to be around, and I like listening to her stories. We used to hang out a lot when we were kids. We would build things and bake things and have tea parties together all the time. After high school, we went separate ways and she made new friends. I didn't really have anyone except her to talk to, which I never really minded. I wonder if Niji and I met now, and didn't know each other, if we would still be friends. She probably wouldn't even notice me. But at least we still walk home together, so she hasn't completely forgotten me yet.
20. Childhood best friends.

We looked both ways before crossing the street and she checked the time. 1:57.
"So you waiting for Braxton to ask you to prom?" I grinned because I knew she was going to get excited to talk again. "Of course, I don't want to pressure him or anything but definitely."
"Makes sense."

"Why don't you ever tell me about your crushes? I feel like we always talk about mine." She suddenly brought up.
"I don't know, I don't really like anyone" I shrugged.
"Bullshit. There's gotta be someone you find attractive. Our school is huge." I thought about every boy in my grade, every boy I had ever talked about. I thought about Marco at group therapy. I thought about Jeremys friends that gave me a ride once, they were kind of attractive.

"All the guys in our grade look like they do crack, okay? No one appeals to me." She laughed a little at that statement and hesitated. She chuckled and said, "I mean you could always be into girls, who knows." I glared at her, and she laughed more. "I'm just kidding, jeez." I know she was kidding....

So why is my face hot, why are my cheeks flushing red. Jesus, that was such a weird thing for her to bring up. Why would she even mention that. Do I look gay to her?

I can't like girls. I'm into guys. I thought Jeremys friend was cute and he was a guy. I like guys.