Make me yours

Chapter 9

We were both lying down near the pool looking up to the stars. Me and James. Like an old and classic movie when everything is fine and they are just great, the couple together, their lives arranged just before the film ends, the true happy ending. And after that, no one knows what happens, we just hope they keep being happy. But here between us, I don't think they do. Happiness is a fickle concept.

"When I was little I used to come outside and look to the stars and wish for things." I confess breaking the comfortable silence that didn't even last more than a few minutes. My childhood wasn't perfect. It wasn't terrible tho and comparing it to my brother's mine was amazing. My brother was not planned and my mom was at the peak of her career and because of the pregnancy she had to stop modeling for a while. During my brother's growth, my mom made it abundantly clear that she didn't do an abortion because of my father's insistence on Joshua to be born.

My father practically begged my mom to choose a name and accept the first one she said- Joshua, decored his bedroom, and did all those things a happy couple would do together, alone. My mother was devastated and her hormones weren't helping, she even suffered from a kind of trauma after labor, something like intense baby blues. After the treatment, she forgot all about the pregnancy because of how uncontrolled her hormones were.

My father thought it would help her to love her son correctly since she didn't remember her horrible time while pregnant but it just ended up pushing her away from Joshua like he wasn't her son. Of course, my mom went to therapy for so long and was most of the time medicated she become a Zombie. However, and even tho she never truly showed Joshua she learned to love her son with the time.

Then 2 years after Joshua, the therapist thought that having a second child would help both the mother and Josh and suggested it to my mom. At that time my mom was a complete zombie and that made her super happy she started getting well without the medication.

So they had me. My mom stopped taking medication and even tho the pregnancy was amazing my mom become terrified of simple things like holding me. My father once again found himself quite alone.

However, even tho this isn't the perfect scenario we became used to it. My mom started going to the gym to get her time alone and soon had a great body what made her again successful at modeling. My father had two children what was kinda his dream and educated us to be independent and intelligent. My brother grew up to be a man who is independent enough to move alone to London at 17 and always showing me love compensating for the lack of love mom gave him.

So as you can see I am the least impaired here. I had a caring father, a loving brother, and a part-time mother. I learned to never complain.

"What did you wish for?" James asks while I look at the sky even if I can feel his eyes on me. I almost forget he is there laying next to each other looking at the same sky, I almost forget I wasn't alone, that's how comfortable I feel around him. I take a deep breath before answering.

"Happiness mostly, my brother's happiness." I don't talk loud, it is the first time I am saying something like this out loud. It is really sad now that I think about it. I was so young, so naive. I came outside and talked with the stars, I remember begging them for my brother to be happy, for my family to be happy.

"Weren't you both happy?" He is really curious, I can't blame him. I am sure Joshua didn't tell him anything, he doesn't really open up instead keeps all to himself and none of us really look like we had such a strange and quite sad background.

"Happiness is a funny concept, isn't it? You just know you were happy when you start missing those moments and living worse ones." I realized that too soon, I wished for happiness, but happiness can't really be wished for. You never know if you are happy until you are not anymore. But if you do realize you are happy then it becomes a really strange game full of anxiety where you ask yourself when it is going to end. At least that's what happens with me. Really hope people don't feel the same.