Make me yours

Chapter 23

This chapter is going to have lots of povs I hope it's not confusing. Love you.

Mattheo 

And of course, I ended up at a party. Of fucking course. I couldn't stay at home because dad would make it all hurt more. Couldn't go to a friend's house because well there isn't much of that, is there? And desperately needed to get out of my own fucking head because it fucking gets too much. 

So that's where I ended up. On a nameless boy party drinking heavy drinks and wishing I had weed in my pockets. My head is heavy now, heavy with alcohol and thoughts and wishes and regrets and her. Her. For fuck's sake, her. 

And I try to take her out of my fucking mind but it's hard when she used to be the only good thing I had to think about. My father sucks, my mom is dead, I don't exactly have many friends and I have fucking panic attacks regularly and she used to calm me. Just the thought of her. And it happened all so fast I was so out of hope but she came along. But of fucking course she doesn't like me back. Can't blame her. Who would?

The last part of our conversation is playing on repeat on my head and it has been torturing me for too much time. I fucking told her I didn't fell for her, I lied to her for the first time. I lied to her. I fucking promised my fucking mother I would never lie. I can omit shit, I can kill, I can hurt and I can do all those really bad shit. But I don't lie. I never did. Not until now. And why I did it. Simple the hurt on her eyes. She said she felt lost and I fixed it. We can't have anything, she doesn't like me back. My feelings were getting in the fucking way. I fixed it. I am a great person, I fixed the situation. Or that's what I have been telling myself again and again drinking every time I doubt the affirmation and let's just say I am pretty fucking drunk. 

Currently, I am talking to a girl, well, she is talking I say a 'hmm', 'totally', 'of course' once in a while. It's quite scary how her dark hair reminds me of another and her hazel eyes remind me of others and her smile is wrong, is fucking wrong, because it should be another fucking smile there. A more beautiful and pure smile. Her smile. 

So when the girl kisses me and her hands go to my hair I am almost surprised because Liv doesn't kiss like that. Not this lazy, not this quick, and not this desperate. She kisses slower even when it's rough and she kisses better and with more passion. Or maybe it's just my drunk brain messing with me. 

We end up going to a room I know nothing about and we end up laying on a bed which is probably disgusting to think much about it. Our kiss keeps being only lust, nothing more. Not even a connection I swore me and Liv had. Which is a lie because when we fought she made that really clear. 

But that doesn't stop me from when her hips are moving on my lap, my hands on her ass, her hands on my hair, and our kiss a little more aggressive my mouth fucking opening and saying the fucking wrong thing. Of fucking course my mouth would moan the wrong fucking thing, my brain unable to process anything. "Fuck, Liv. So fucking good." 

And then the kiss stops, the rolling of hips stops and she looks at me with shocked eyes and an expression that almost scares me. "You know my name isn't Liv, right?" When she talks her voice is almost soft and strangely comprehensive like she isn't all that mad, which she totally had the right to be. It's weird and it makes me feel even worse. 

"Fuck, I am so fucking sorry. I really am. I just had a fucking difficult night with, you know, Liv. Jesus, I am so fucking ashamed right now. Please forgive me." The words leave my mouth quickly and I almost running over myself. 

"Don't worry, not a big deal." She says her eyes softening considerably and slowly leaving my lap to sit next to me. "Wanna talk about it? I mean her?" She askes her voice so soft and her eyes so inviting and somehow my drunk brain decides it would like to talk.