Make me yours

Chapter 24

Fuck no. No, this isn't happening. This is all just a really fucking bad dream. Yeah, that's it. This is not happening. My mum isn't really under Mattheo's dad and we are not making the strangest and most awkward eye contact ever. And it definitely doesn't stop only when I leave. And definitely not because the woman who is supposed to love me the most doesn't explain anything further and doesn't even move from where she is under a man that isn't my dad. 

Except it is exactly what is happening. And it hurts, it burns my soul and my brain and I can feel it on my fucking skin. The betrayed, the lies, everything. My life is a fucking lie. A fucking lie. So I don't even close the door when I leave, feeling Mattheo following me. His steps are as firm as mine and I can feel all the negative emotions on his look just like I feel them inside me. 

My brain doesn't even think when I open the first door I see and quickly enter the big and organized room. A dining room. A beautiful dining room with its big black wood table, its too many to count chairs, and its huge window that occupies all wall and makes the room so beautifully formal. If my brain wasn't lost in terrible thoughts I would actually appreciate and take my time to look at this room. But I can't, I don't have the energy or the time. I have nothing but sadness or stress. 

I enter the room before I can even think about it walking to the center of it and placing both hands on the polished table letting my head fall between my shoulders, I don't cry. Not sure why, but not a tear leaves my eyes. Instead, the feelings inside me are strong and they hurt and struggle to keep themselves inside me. I don't even know how else I can explain this hurting mess I feel inside me. And I feel so fucking alone. Until. 

Until I feel Mattheo's hand on my arm. He doesn't make too much pressure on it, just a light touch but he pulls me to him. It's light not demanding or anything, it feels like a soft beg like he needs me to look at him. So I look. And it all feels like a fucking desperate weak beg because he looks like he couldn't have survived if I didn't turn around. His eyes are red, but he isn't crying and he doesn't look at my eyes staying static looking at a place I can't decipher. Only to understand he is looking nowhere, his vision turbid and his mind lost in thoughts. 

He may be looking at me but he isn't seeing me, he is so fucking far from this room that is scary. It's fucking scary. And it only gets scarier when his mouth opens and he whispers a word that opens me to his whole world of suffering. "Mum." My shock must be visible throw my eyes because suddenly he wakes from his strange moment and looks back at me, this time actually seeing me. Not before whispering again to himself. "Fuck, not now brain." And then he closes his eyes for one quick second and boom normal again. Looking at me like he always does in his own different way. And if it wasn't for his shaking hands, heavy breaths, and sweat coming from his hair I wouldn't even know something is off. Not when he looks at me so worried like my well-being is the most important thing to him even if clearly he is not ok. "You didn't deserve to see that." It's all he says. He doesn't explain why he called his mum, he doesn't explain why the hell his body language is so sick, no. Nothing. 

"You didn't deserve to see that either." I answer, my voice struggling to get out of my mouth and my brain unable to even mention what is happening to him right in from of me. He keeps gripping my arm and just the strange way his hand feels on my skin would be enough to let me know that something is really wrong with him. 

"Fuck, Liv. I am so sorry. I'll be right back." He says finally letting whatever it is shine through his voice, making me be sure that there is something really wrong with him, wrong enough to make his voice, which is neutral must of the times, tremble. But he is out of the room before I can even ask if he needs anything. Leaving me more confused than I have ever been and I almost forgot why I was sad before seeing the panic in Mattheo's eyes. And of course, that's when my mum decides to enter.