Make me yours

Chapter 18

It feels odd walking in this hallway again after such a long time. It doesn't feel like they used to. I wonder if they miss me. Cause I miss this, I miss normality. I wonder if I was ever normal, if it was my choices that lead me here or if it simply was what it was destiny to happen. 

My black boots are stepping on the white polished floor and making a regular sound. I try to focus on that. Regular sounds make me calm, music does too.

That is why I have my headphones on, to keep my thoughts less asphyxiating. I can feel the loud classical music in my ears but I can't hear it. I don't even know what is playing. This is not working, nothing can keep me outside my own head. And it is killing me.

I think too much, I have always done. However, now is different cause now I have too much to think about in my always busy and paranoid head. I have always dealt with too many thoughts, too many worries too many anxiety too many things inside my brain. But this, this hurts because all of the sudden one matter inside my head shut all of the others and somehow it is stronger, noisier, messier than all of them together. 

And that is going to be the end of me.

I am going to be my own end.

I keep walking until I arrive at the place where they did James' memorial. Flowers are all over the ground and sentences of people that cared for him. There, even, is a huge picture of him stuck on the white wall.

Candles make this air hot, that or the terrible guilt that I feel. Whatever it is, makes me wanna throw up but I keep it inside me. I can't let people notice me, not now.

Not after what I learned yesterday.

I really hoped I hadn't understood right what Mattheo said. Oh, I hopped. That is what my life has become a huge hole full of hopes and wishes that things were different, were better, or at least less worst. 

I wished my mom was happy during my childhood, I wish my grandmother had told me everything instead of leaving me like this, I wish James had never died and I wish I was just what I thought I was- a lucky teenager that had the opportunity to live a dream life. 

Oh, how fullish I was thinking this was the dream. Maybe it is. After all, nightmares are dreams too. 

"Livian Adams, you are the heiress of the biggest secret society in the whole world."

Those were his exact words that made all my body tense up. After that, I couldn't think, couldn't walk, couldn't breathe. I just know I will remember this moment forever because that was the plot twist of my life. 

Without even realizing or choosing to I start reliving every thought and feeling.

The night before

I look at him speechlessly, my mind going wild in thoughts while my throat goes dry in words. He notices my reaction, of course, he does. 

"I am what?" I ask finally after some minutes of pure denial. He was to be joking there is no other rational way of this being actually happening. 

"I realize I didn't choose the right timing and I will explain it all better as soon as I can." His voice is calm, his eyes analyze mine and all his body is ready to catch me if I fall or to stop me from a panic attack.  He knows I am not ready for this information and he fears my reaction. 

Before I can think I walk past him, my steps firm. 

"Where are you going?" He askes worried stopping me before I can walk more. 

"My parents. Do they know?" My voice is weak and I can feel tears behind my eyes. Anger, frustration, denial, and even sad tears. I don't look at him right away, however, after some minutes of silence, I have to slowly move my eyes to him.