↔Spin off Life⤴

Low steem 😊

In all honesty Im worried that Im never going to be happy.

My happiness never sticks. I feel it for a few minutes, maybe even hours, and then it slides off of me. Disappears like I never had it for the first place.

The memories I have are nice, they get me through the lonely nights, but memories are never enough. I don't want to remember a time when I was happy. I dont want to long for the past or imagine a better future. I want to be happy now.

But how?

I'm just so used to disappointment. Im scared of getting excited over anything, large or small, because I feel like its going to be torn away from me the second I start to enjoy it. I just dont want to get my hopes up.

Thats why Im a pessimist. I see the dark side of every situation. I do it to protect myself but really, Im only hurting myself. I'm setting myself up for sadness, pulling down me deep to deeper where I sould have seen no ray of climb up.

Instead of enjoying the good moments, I worry about the future. Im never present. My mind is always somewhere else, set in panic mode. I should in present yet my mind wanders at past and future.

But Im not attached to my misery. I don't consider it a friend. I'm not afraid to part ways with it.

I try to be happy, I want to be happy, but it's hard to reach that point when I feel like I'm judged over loving my life, loving myself.

No, even when I actually am happy, I find it hard to enjoy the emotion. I feel like I haven't earned it and like its all going to get taken away from me soon. Happiness comes to me with a veil of doubt .

I feel like every time the universe gives me a good thing, it will eventually be balanced out with a terrible thing. You tit for tat. I must be paid off a great big time for every bit of happiness.

Im worried that I'll never be happy, because I don't give myself permission to be happy. Because I feel like I don't deserve to be happy. It's rotten on me.

But I do. I deserve the smiles and the laughter and the fun nights out. I deserve to relax for a change instead of worrying about where the next moment will take me. I deserve to love myself, to be proud of the person I've become.

Every misery will be a WAS the next morning......