unrealistic

suicidal thoughts courtesy of a certain shitty person

you can say you feel the guilt
the illness
the misery
but I know all you feel
is what you want to be
if you want to know
what it's really like
not all
'punk' 'dark' 'gore' 'starve' 'ana'
tumblr shit
Ana isn't really a person
it's short for anorexia and you only say
that you know her
because all of the beautiful elegant
depressed people do
Gore isn't punk
just because you were black
doesn't mean you're 'punk'

if you want to know
what the real life
you've been trying to attain is like
I'll give you a little piece..

you go to sleep
hoping you're dead in the morning
instead of being this constant burden
feeling no one can handle you
or your personality
staring at the ceiling
remembering every awful event
everything awkward you said
everything you fucked up
and you fall asleep with the taste
of salty tears

you wake up, alive,
wishing you weren't
wanting to cry yourself back to sleep
but you have to get up
and drag yourself out of bed
knowing that putting on the makeup
the tight, extra layers of clothes
to hid your acne
or your fat
won't make people like you any more
but you always have a sliver of hope
that something will change
maybe if you were pretty
or skinny
your friends would actually like you
but no matter what you try
you're still worthless

then you go out in public
and suddenly a wave hits inside
your mind
and you can't breathe
you can't focus
the people
the voices inside
the screaming inside
it's all too much
and you get worked up
to the point where your heart
might jump out of your chest
but no one sees
no one cares
no matter what you do
who you talk to
no matter what your mom or dad
tells you,
you are alone
and you will never
ever
be loved
or truly cared about
because you my friend,
are worthless.

2/9/15
Jordan makes me feel
well, I don't know.
she's really just a child
the way she whispers about me
in front of me
how she can't get the balls
to tell me she doesn't want to hangout
our friendship is nothing to her
I'm just the filler spot
for elaina
keeping her seat warm
until she gets un-grounded
or until she can hangout
and really, it starts to mess with you
thinking there's a friendship
but then all of a sudden
things change
and you realize
your life means nothing
to those who meant something to you

e: "Oh they're whispering! WTF are they even saying omg"
me: (in my head) she fucking hates me. I should just keep driving and never turn back.
e:"I'm sorry Gracie, she said you can't come over. :( I wish you could keep me company since she's with Alex. Maybe we can hangout afterwards"
me: (in my head) that's okay, I needed another night alone anyways. planning how you're going to commit suicide or what destructive act you should do next is always fun and uplifting. especially when you know you're hated and a worthless piece of shit.

my life
fucking
sucks.