unrealistic

the cheating made me crazy

"once a cheater, always a cheater"
I feel like that statement is true. the thing is though, if you love eachother enough to make it work, it won't happen again. but in your head, it happens everyday. it affects all aspects of your life. you can't see him without trying to wear all your best things because if you look ugly he'll cheat. you eat? you get fat. then he cheats. in your mind, everything is like this. even if he isn't cheating, he's cheating on you in your head. cheating ruins every aspect of a persons life. it ruins their self confidence, self image, self worth, and relationships with others. you go crazy flipping through the girl he cheated with's tweets on Twitter. it could be two months or two years but you still check everyday. Facebook.twitter.tumblr.instagram. he's talking to another girl? it's a possibility he's going to leave. now you're checking her Facebook and tumblr and Twitter and Instagram. anything remotely related towards love sets you off. you think something's going on. do you know for sure? no. but how can you? he lied before. for months. over the phone over text face to face. he. lied. every. single. time. you try to be okay when he has friends that are girls. but it's not okay. it's not fucking okay. it's not about his freedom. he can have friends that are girls but he can't if he shows me the texts to prove he's not cheating but I can clearly see they're flirting. I pretend to be okay with it and I say "she's nice, I approve" and he says "thanks mom" and ignores me the entire day. I thought she was nothing but a friend? I thought it didn't mean anything? clearly it did. clearly there is still something wrong with me if he gets upset that I'm upset he's talking to some other girl about how he feels when he can never do that with me. what has he done with her that he hasn't told me about? probably everything. who wants to have sex with me? I'm fucking disgusting. he probably gets annoyed that I'm paranoid every day but he doesn't fucking understand. it has ruined me. it started to get better then he talks to someone else. it's what I think about all day. what's wrong with me what if he leaves I'll be alone then I have to kill myself he was all I had left all that was stopping me but he just throws me away everytime. everytime. it doesn't matter if we break up. it doesn't just affect my relationship with him, it has affected my relationship with everyone. I can't trust rely or love anyone. no one loves me. no one wants me. they will always leave. he will leave too.