unrealistic

fire and skin

when I was younger,
my best friend was my cousin
we were always together
I always wanted to see her
but then
when we were both 4 years old,
I saw my aunt on the tv, on the news channel
my aunt was bawling
so was my mom
even my dad was crying
I didn't know what was going on
I tried to talk to my aunt,
thinking she could hear me through the television
I was too young to comprehend what had happened

it turned out,
my cousin had been burned badly in a fire
nearly 75% of her body had severe burns
she was only 4
and so was I

I don't remember much more from that age
I remember visiting her in the hospital
putting my hand up against hers
through the window of the oxygen tank
that she was in with other kids
who had severe burns

I remember when they did something to her neck
that made her skin blow up
like a second head under her chin
to create more skin
to cover places that needed it more
and that at our sleepover, she had to sleep a certain way so it wouldn't pop

she has had hundreds of surgeries
skin graphs
and started baton to maintain dexterity

and although now she is successful
she is no longer my best friend

ever since we were 7
and my grandpa died
3 years after she was burned
I have never been happy
only traumatized

whenever I think of her
I think of the pain of the fire
how much it must have hurt
how she had to be flown to the hospital
how scared she was
how even though she survived,
kids and other people
would and probably still make fun of her
because even though she is alive
it's not enough for everyone else
and I can't handle it

especially now
my mom says my cousin's brother
has survivors guilt
because he was there
yet only got a small burn on him
and she thinks I have survivors guilt too
even though I wasn't there

because I can't enjoy seeing her
without feeling terrible
even though she has become so successful
I can't imagine how hard things are for her

and yet
I don't believe my moms theory
I believe I feel guilty
because of how
I destroyed my skin
I cut it up
hundreds of times
so many times it will no longer heal
the way it should
and will leave permanent scars
on my shoulders,
arms,
stomach,
legs,
and feet
i had smooth skin
there was nothing wrong with it
yet I tore myself to shreds
to stop feeling what I felt inside

I remember when my friends and boyfriend told my parents about my constant cutting
my mom made me show her
and she cried out
she said there were so many
my dad was so upset and angry

I wish I hadn't been stupid enough
to make that first cut
in seventh grade
with the battery cover
on my alarm clock

because the addiction
ruined something I can never
ever get back
or forget

(pic is my leg. a word of advice: never make the first cut. try not to relapse. you will regret it.)