I don't know what to think. it's like my brain is on empty. I have the fuel. food, water. but I don't have the chemicals to make it worthwhile. some people enjoy their food. I don't. I hog it down like there's no tomorrow. mainly because i get so embarrassed of eating in front of other people. I feel disgusting. I feel putrid. it makes me so nervous. what if there's food in my teeth? if I eat in front of people will I eat more or will I eat normal will I gain weight will I get pimples will they think I'm fat should I purge? so many questions. that's what anxiety is. hundreds of questions with no punctuation to separate them because when you're thinking it, there isn't any way to stop it. it just all comes to your head at once.
but being fat is the worst. you never know how fat you are until you can feel your stomach rolls escaping from your shirt in front of people you're trying to impress who have stomachs as flat as table tops.you only figure out when suddenly the jeans that were too big now can't go up past your knees. I've gained almost 75 pounds. I weigh about 228 pounds now. don't tell me I'm fat because I fucking know. I am ashamed. I try but I can't stop eating. I eat when I'm bored. it's become a horrible habit. I also eat because I think about starving myself and I know I can't do it so I freak out and say I won't eat tomorrow so then I basically end up eating the entire cupboard that day. I just need to control myself for 21 days and then I'll stop being fat and start being happy. the only way I'll be happy is if I can wear crop tops and shorts and dresses with high heels to show off my slim legs. the way I look is all I care about. at least one of my main concerns in my life, not the only one. it affects everything in my life. it makes me narcissistic but no one notices you unless you look good. think about it.
I've always noticed when I'm in a group of friends that everyone calls my friends "hot" or "sexy" and they just look at me like "aw how shy what a cute lil kid" ;_; ugh. and of course it's always when I don't think about trying to wear a nice outfit or put on a buttload of makeup that it happens. I hate being fat and ugly. I look like a transvestite when I put on my makeup the way good makeup artists do. there's no inbetween. I just look bad.
YOU ARE READING
unrealistic
Non-Fictioni dont see the point anymore what the fuck am i still doing here why do i contemplate the decision when i could just go? everyone would be better off ive seen the pictures together the memories with eachother they have told me i am not apart of any...
