unrealistic

its been awhile

its been awhile

and things honestly havent changed.

at least not in terms of how i feel

if anything, im worse on the inside. just better at hiding it.

no one notices. no one want to listen. no one cares.

my depression is worse

ive known people who went to the local behavioral center

and they said it didnt help

but ive contemplated driving myself there a million times now and just admitting myself

my anxiety is worse

when i have panic attacks now,

my heart feels like its going a million miles an hour

my arm breaks out in a rash

my limbs go numb

and i gag because im so anxious it makes me want to puke

i think im bipolar

because my moods are like waves that crash over me

and i cant tell if its my depression or not

the same things just keep happening to me over again but with different people

the same cycles keep happening in my behavior

i just dont know how to get fucking better

how am i suppossed to get better, when at the same time

this is all ive ever known?

how am i suppossed to get better

when theres no one to get better for?

i have a best friend

but she is never around. i know she has her own problems and a busy schedule. she is also in a toxic relationship

i have a new boyfriend

but recently after staying over at his house

i looked through his phone like he told me he could

and i found he was sex chatting with random girls on an app

he told me he had never been in a long term, or serious relationship before

the only relationship he had to look up to growing up were his divorced parents

and his ex stepfather who used to beat him and control his mother

he also has an addiction to porn and sex

he uses it to make himself feel better because he doesnt want to deal with everything else

and to a point, i understand not wanting to deal with things

but i told him i would leave if he didnt change

if he didnt go to therapy, i would leave

so he said he would change. he will go to therapy, he wants to start working out again and golfing and he will communicate with me more

he said he needs to focus all of that energy into me and being the best boyfriend

today is friday, and we had that conversation sunday and then throughout the week because i still wasnt sure if i should stay

so far hes said nothing about therapy, which i get, its hard to work up to talking to your parents

but hes tried harder

he has a suprise for me tomorrow for a date for our 3 months

should i trust him? i dont know

he said he can learn from his mistakes

its only been a few days so i dont feel like i can trus him yet

i love him

i just want things to work out for fucking once in my life

i just want for once for someone to realize that im worth it