Amaranth

Chapter 16: Red Carnation

Not sure what to put here, but for those who read my my author notes, I have a special surprise for you. I think some people might've missed it, but if you read through Mikasa's thoughts (Not italicized) while reading her book in chapter 9 and Mikasa's thoughts (Italicized) during her kiss with Annie, you'll notice some parallels that may or may not allow you to predict the future of their feelings for each other... JUST SAYING.

~~~~~~~~~

After a few days, it was finally the dreaded Friday, September 29th. The previous night, Carla had told her she'd be allowed to skip school this friday like she did every year. With that in mind, she allowed herself to sleep in as last as possible, making sure to lock her door, so no one in the house would brother her.

When she finally did wake up, it was 11 in the morning, and she had just jolted awake from a nightmare. It was better than some of her others, but it was just as terrifying. It had been what felt like hours of her brain replaying the memory of her parents getting stabbed in front of her. Each time, felt a figurative knife dig into her own heart as she picked out all the times she could've jumped in to save her parents.

She cautiously rolled out of bed, grabbed her favorite book of flowers, and walked down the stairs, her eyes red and swollen from crying. "Where you going, Bubs?" Carla asked.

"Home," Mikasa answered easily, and Carla nodded in understanding. Mikasa had never been to her old home on the day of her parents death, and Carla just hoped it would be therapeutic for her.

Mikasa tightened her scarf around her neck, bringing it up to shield her nose and mouth from the cold, as she began the walk to the mountain. It was about half an hour to an hour walk, but she decided she needed the time to think.

I feel like I should feel more guilty, she thought as she took even steps in the direction of her old home, I killed them. I took a life. Who was I to decide they shouldn't live? Did I really have that power just because I wanted to live? I'm sure they wanted to live as well, and I took that away from them.

When I think about it, Mikasa thought with a sigh, watching as her warm breath turned into a small cloud of fog from the cold air, I'm no better than they are, killing to survive. Now that I know what money does, I know they probably needed that money to feed their families or themselves. If I think so poorly of them, shouldn't I think just as poorly of myself?

I was so enraged by their actions, killing my parents in front of me and having the audacity to take me away from them right after, Mikasa thought, silently raging at the memories, but all I did was take them away from their families, just as they took me away from mine. Surely that makes me just as awful as them, kid or not.

Mikasa stopped at the bottom of Mount Maria, looking up at it's daunting height. Part of her didn't want to make the climb, knowing her cast in the snow would cause a problem, but she was determined to make it to her parents' graves as well as her home.

During her ascent, she couldn't help but wonder about her parents. 'Your soul, my love. I couldn't save your soul', Mikasa thought glumly, I guess she was right. I died with my parents that day.

When she finally reached her home, she immediately walked to the graves of her parents. Their stones were covered in a layer of stone, as was the rest of the ground, but Mikasa didn't care. She scooped some of the snow away as she sat on the ground, back against one of their stones. She let out a content sigh, closing her eyes in peace.

--------------

"Where's Mikasa?" Annie asked when she saw Eren and Armin approach without the taller girl.