Moonage Daydream; Remus Lupin

Want

After dinner Lily, Marlene, Mary and I made our way to our dorm room. When we arrived our trunks where already there sitting at the end of our beds. "Merlin I don't think i'll ever get tired of this feeling" Lily called out kicking off her shoes and tossing herself on to her bed. "Me neither" Mary replied doing the same. I knew the feeling they where referring to all to well, it was like " being on your own" but not really, you had a lot more independence than you did at home and it was relatively more quiet ( in Mary's case) she came from a rather large family in Jamaica, she had three sisters and three brothers, all younger than her.

And Lily had petunia so i'm sure that was enough to make them fall in love with the quietness of our dorm here at Hogwarts. I walked over to my bed and began un-packing things. I set my record player on the night table next to my bed and my small crate of records on the floor next to that, I put my David bowie poster up, filling in the space above my bed. And than began setting my books in neat stacks on the floor next to my bed, the spines of them against the wall. After I was finished putting the last of my things away I grabbed one of my oversized long sleeve button-ups and my lotion as well as my body oil before heading to the bathroom to shower.
 
As I entered the bathroom closing the door behind me I started setting my lotion and body oil on the counter along with my shirt and a towel I had just pulled from the bathroom closet. I walked over to the shower and turned it on, after a few minutes the water began heating up and I started to undress, once I was finished I climbed into the shower and closed my eyes letting the water run down my body. I liked the way it felt on my skin, the way it made my hair stick to my neck, the way it warmed my skin turning it bright red. I grabbed my shampoo and put a small dollop of it in my hand and started massaging it thru my hair, after I washed that out I did the same with my conditioner. Once I had finished rinsing my hair and scrubbing myself clean I turned off the shower and slid back the curtain I stuck one of my legs out on to the floor just far enough so that I could allow myself to grab my towel off the counter without slipping.

After drying off, I stared at my self in the mirror for a moment, running my hands up my body, across my stomach, my breast's, and up to my neck and face. I had changed a lot of the summer, I was a little taller, my chest was definitely bigger and my sides dipped in more than they had the last year and my hips where slightly wider. I reached over for my body oil and began rubbing it on my skin, than my lotion. I pulled on a pair of white silk underwear before putting on my button up and exiting the bathroom.
"How was your shower?" Mary asked. She was sitting on Marlenes bed, Marlene sitting in front of her well Mary braided her hair.

"It was nice." I responded back, bending down to pick a record out and deciding on "Rock Me Gently" by Andy Kim. "Do you think James will ever give up the whole being in love with me thing?" Lily said slightly annoyed. "Nope." We replied all at once. "Why do you ask?" I asked now laying on my stomach on my bed keeping my eyes on the book I was reading, Romeo and Juliet.

"I was just thinking, at dinner he practically shoved himself next to me and he kept making stupid comments like "oh lily your hair looks really nice", or " you have such a pretty laugh" it's so annoying, I don't want to be mean to him but he never takes the hint, ya know?" "Well that's James for you." Mary responded with her eyes trained on Marlene's hair. " yeah.. I guess so" Lily said reaching into her bag and pulling out a small thing of bright red nail polish. After a few hours of chatting and listening to music Mary and Marlene fell asleep than Lily.

As I laid in my bed staring up at my canopy that separated me from seeing my ceiling, I couldn't help but think about him again. His light brown curls, the way his lips curled when he smiled, all of the beautiful scars that covered his body. He was perfect. How am I ever going to tell him just how much I love him? How could I?

Would that even be possible? How do you tell someone that they're the reason you wake up everyday, the reason you smile, the reason you laugh, the reason you where finally able to know what is was like to truly be happy. How could you when they so clearly don't feel the same. Or maybe they do. Wouldn't that me nice, someone to love me. I mean someone who really loves me Lily,Sirius,Marls and the others they loved me because they had to, because we where friends. My parents definitely didn't love me, to many I wish I never had you's and I hate you's to try and force myself to believe that again, I wiped that thought out of my mind as I felt tears forming behind my eyes. Could you imagine though? if Remus loved me, I asked myself. Waking up in the morning with his arms around my waist, holding hands in the hallway,dancing in the rain.

   God why do I do this to myself. "You bloody idiot he's never going to love you, look at you." A small voice began at the back of my head I hated that stupid voice. " No one could ever love you, have you looked in the mirror lately? Not a single person on earth would subject to looking at that any longer than they had to."

"And besides you've got nothing to offer, your not funny, or smart and if we're being honest you've got a shit personality to. Your friends only like you because your family has money. They all talk about you behind your back ." They do? I asked the voice, I know it was stupid but everything they where saying made sense, no one could ever love me, I would never be enough, for anyone.

   "Of course they do, they laugh at you behind your back, tell each other all the secrets you've told them, secrets they promised to keep and they laugh, oh how they laugh. The voice spat. "They hate you, everyone does." The voice had finally had enough and began to fade away, hot tears began spilling from my eyes and I quickly cast a silencing spell. I fell asleep that way, shaking with my knees pulled up to my chest, tears rolling down my cheeks. I want to be home.

I want to be in my own bed. I want someone to love me. And I want that bloody voice to go away.

Remus's POV:

"I don't know why you even try" Sirius said well flipping thru his records, "She's never going to fancy you." "Oi! you don't know that, she might change her mind." James responded throwing a sock at the back of Sirius's head. Idiots. Peter and I stayed quiet as to avoid having to choose sides. They stayed quiet for a few seconds before Sirius broke the silence, "So are we going to talk about what happened on the train?" Sirius asked looking at me for an answer.
 
   "Ugh....fine." I responded shutting my book and sitting up on my bed "What about it?" I asked. James started first, "I mean what was that?! She acted like it was completely normal!"

     " I know!" Peter replied throwing his hand's up dramatically. "It wasn't that big of a deal." I said staring at Sirius, waiting for him to say something about the matter. "Oh whatever, "it wasn't a big deal" like your not madly in love with her" James  remarked tossing the snitch in his hand like he had done earlier. "Surprised you didn't jizz your pants on the spot."

    Sirius said waving his hand at me and throwing himself on his bed. It was quiet for a few seconds before they burst into laughter, I was still sitting there, mouth open, in complete shock at what Sirius had said. He had completely ruined that moment for me. "Oh f- fuck off" I responded well aggressively throwing my pillow at him, definitely should not have done that. Within seconds the four of us where running around throwing pillows at each other and laughing hysterically well doing so.

    After about an 30 minutes of running around the dorm we all sat down in the middle, back against or trunk's breathing heavily with sweat dripping down our face's. " Sh- She smelled good" I finally said thru breaths. "What?" Sirius asked looking at me curiously. "You asked me. About what happened on the train.

     And she smelled good, like lavender, it felt nice she was warm. I don't know how to describe it."  "Oh" Sirius responded flatly. "I'm gonna take a shower." James said after letting out a sigh.
    Ugh, I wanted to take a shower. Eh guess I'll just take one in the morning.

   As I climbed into bed I began thinking about her again, her deep brown eyes, her sweet lavender scent. Merlin I want her so bad. I want her  plump lips against mine, I want her soft hands against my skin, running down my chest, I want her beautiful body straddled on top of me, I quickly closed the curtain around my bed and cast a silencing spell.

Sorry if there are any spelling errors in this I started writing this at like 3 am