golden - Spencer Reid

lonely - chapter 11 tw!panic attack!ptsd

I sat by my window and watched people walk around outside like they weren't scared at all, but me..I could barely go outside because it was so scary to me. I was always alert now.

a few days later - waking up

I sighed as I heard my alarm go off. I was still waking up at time I used to wake up for work. I wanted to go so badly but knew I needed to recover first. I sat up from my bed and looked at my window. It was closed and so were my blinds. There was no sunshine, no birds singing, no cars honking, it was quiet..it reminded me of the horrible things that had just happened to me. My heart began to race, my eyes filled with tears, my heads began to shake, my legs grew weak, my stomach felt hallow, my eyes fluttered shut as the tears fell from my eyes. I went to lean over to grab my phone but I was frozen in place. Not being able to move made my panic attack grow stronger. I gripped onto the sheets and sobbed out. I felt like the room was spinning, like I was going to faint. My breathing got heavier and it was harder to breathe. I sobbed and fell back into my bed gripping onto my pillow. I curled into a ball and sobbed as I tried to catch my breath. I hated this feeling. It made me feel weak, like I could let anything manipulate me. After what felt like hours I finally calmed down, I wasn't shaking, I was breathing normally, I wasn't crying. I was okay. I sat up slowly and grabbed a tissue. I blew my nose and wiped my tears then threw my tissues away. I stood up very slowly and walked to my bathroom. I could walk again but it hurt really really bad. I sighed as I looked into the mirror, "I look..like shit" I mumbled before I started my shower. I hated being alone..It made me feel scared, it made me feel...anxious. I soon got into the shower and let the water hit my skin. It was hot, steamy and it made my sore body feel a little better. I sighed happily as I took my time to wash my hair and body. 

lunch time

I had just finished drying my hair when I decided I was hungry. I thought of things I could make here but nothing sounded good. I grabbed a hoodie and slipped it on the slipped on some shoes. I grabbed my keys then my purse before I slowly unlocked my front door and left. I slowly walked to my car already feeling sick to my stomach. I hated being out by myself but I needed to do this, I had too. I soon reached my car and unlocked it before quickly getting in and locking the doors. I buckled up, turned the radio on and took a deep breath. I did it. I left the house all by myself. I was proud yet so scared. I soon made my way to the team's favorite fast food place, I went through the drive thru and ordered their favorite.

arriving at the bau

I soon pulled into my normal parking spot and got out carrying the bags of fast food with me. I swiped my card and entered the building walking straight to the round table room where lucky for me the whole team was seated. "Hey guys" I said with a soft smile. "Elizabeth!" Penelope exclaimed. I sat the bags down and was pulled into a hug by Pen. I smiled widely and hugged back. "Girl Version of Reid is back!" Derek exclaimed with a booming laugh. "Welcome back kid" David said chuckling. "She isn't completely back yet, but its great seeing you on your feet Elizabeth" Aaron said standing up, pulling me into a warm and welcoming hug. I of course hugged back the hugged Derek the David (Rossi). "Smarty pants JR, way to go" Emily smiled. "I am really proud of you Liz" JJ said with warmth. Spencer didn't say anything, instead he pulled me into a tight hugged and leaned his head into my neck. I didn't know what to do at first but soon I found myself wrapping myself around the much taller male.

after eating

"So, when do you think you will be fully back?" Penelope asked. "Garcia..don't push it" Hotch warned. "Hey..hey, I'm getting better...I am doing better. Getting out today was the first step and it feels...amazing being around people again"

~flash back~

"We have to go Elizabeth! It is important!" JJ yelled as she grabbed her things. I sobbed and sobbed not wanting to be alone. My heart raced and my knees grew weak. "Fine! But I don't need you guys anymore!" I yelled through my sobs. "Fine!" They both yelled before storming out. I overreacted..I know but I was just upset...

~end of flash back~   

I sighed as I looked over at JJ and Emily. Since our little fight I hadn't been around any other people and it sucked. I love this team and I know they are my family. I can't wait to fully come back and be with everyone again. "How about you go home, get some rest and you can uh, come back tomorrow" Hotch said calmly. I nodded and smiled grabbing my things, hugging everyone, then walking out and walking to my car. I started working at the BAU again tomorrow and I couldn't be happier, then it hit me...my mom had no idea what happened to me...none of my family knew.