Crazy Mind -Destiel-

21- Since I've Been Loving You

Dean's lips stretch wider into a gaping grin, his eyebrows arch to the sky. He knows he should be taking it seriously but the extent of his powers one again leave him speechless. He lifts up his right hand and unclenches his fist. The light glows from his palm like a miniature sun, a smouldering ball of fire ready to burn. Dean inhales before thrusting his hand forwards. Castiel grunts with the effort to resist the grace pushing him back but he stays standing.

The angel stares forwards with laser focus. He doesn't raise a hand but Castiel's grace rolls out in waves and if Dean hadn't been staring back he would've missed the blue glow of Castiel's eyes. Dean frowns as he strains to force his grace further. He tries to imagine it as knives piercing the bubble around Castiel but the angel only seems to soften every spike that's sent his way. Dean's head spins and he drops his hand. He hunches over, panting, a cool sweat laying over his skin. Gulping at the air, every breath makes his lungs burn and his legs shake as a dizzy wave washes over him. 

"Do you need to stop?" 

Dean waves his hand vaguely at the angel who is now standing in front of him. He swallows, choking on his own saliva as he tries to speak. "No, let's keep going. I just- need-" He splutters. 

"I need a second." Dean crouches down, dropping onto the floor and laying across the grass. He closes his eyes for a moment to catch his breath and hears Castiel move to sit beside him. 

"You're doing well Dean," Dean's eyes open into slits. "You don't have to push yourself so hard. Controlling your grace will take time." The sun burning his vision as he squints at the angel. 

Dean inhales sharply as he sits up. "I just don't understand how you do it." Dean inhales sharply as he sits up. "How do you control it so effortlessly? You don't even need to move to use it!" 

Castiel raises his eyebrow at him, a gentle smile gracing his lips. "I was born with my grace and have had millenniums to learn to control it. You have had full access to your grace for barely a couple of days. Please don't try to compare us, it's not fair on yourself." Dean shakes his head, a frown pulling his eyebrows together.

"Cas, I have to compare myself to you. I'm gonna be fighting your brothers and sisters who have just as much experience as you. They'll be just as powerful as you and if I can't stop you when you're barely trying how am I gonna stop them?" The angel glances away with a sigh. 

"You are pushing yourself too much-"

"Cas, I get it! I need to-"

"No, Dean, you don't understand." He shakes his head. "Your grace needs to flow freely within your control. You're pushing it too hard. You have so much power within Dean that once you have a firm grasp you'll be unstoppable." He assumes Castiel is trying to be encouraging but the possibility of becoming unstoppable makes him pause. He's been called many things throughout his short life, some good and some bad, but the idea of being unstoppable makes his heart sink. Instantly his mind sabotages him with the idea of what his powers could do to him. They've already changed his outsides so who's to stop it from changing his insides?

Such a fucking disappointment

The memory makes him sneer, his lip curling in disgust. His chest aches. Could all of his trama and self-destruction turn into a black tumour inside of him, growing until it takes over his entire being? Dean physically shakes his head to try and get rid of the thought. Instead, the thought only succeeds in burying itself further into his conscious thought. If Castiel can prevent him from feeling things does that mean the grace could alter his emotions as well? Maybe even change his memories? 

Dean pushes the thought further back. What could they do to stop him if he didn't want to be stopped? Once again his thoughts return to John. His dad was probably the most brutal when it came to calling him names. Back then everything Dean did was to protect Sam from having to suffer at John's hand. But now that protectiveness has developed into forced resiliency, a way to prove he is none of the names John called him. Would his grace count on his resilience and adapt to it? Does it know how far he can be pushed before he breaks?