tbz oneshots | angst and more

excruciating | kevin -sad-

Kevin walked into the room, his chest slowly caving in on him. He held his chest, trying his best to regain his breathing, but he couldn't do a damn thing. It had already begun. 

The panic finally set in. Overthinking thoughts filled his brain, and he paced around as his condition grew worse by the seconds. He wished for someone to come save him. He couldn't leave the room or his anxiety would become its highest. He knew that. 

He whimpered and cried, his chest heaving and his heart pounding. The sound of his heartbeat was louder than those of his cries. He hit his chest with his fist, trying to calm his heart, but really only making it worse. 

He crouched down on the floor and bit his fingers, his eyes darting around the room through his blurry vision. He tried to breathe, wheezing through hollow breaths of air. At this point, he felt like his head would explode. The number of racing thoughts in his brain was too much, feeling like he was dying from panic.

He stood up again, pacing over and over. He gripped his hoodie above his chest, his tears flowing faster than they ever had before.

He hadn't been like this five minutes ago. 

He had been sitting in the living room of their dorms, Changmin and Hyunjae had been fighting. It had been a simple argument at first, but then they had started yelling. Juyeon, Sangyeon, and Jacob had entered the room in an attempt to cool it down, but Sangyeon ended up yelling as well.

The yelling had triggered a flashback for Kevin, of a memory of his mentally abusive sibling. It had left a giant open wound, leaving him vulnerable to pressure situations. 

Kevin could barely breathe at this point, hitting his chest and crouching down on the floor. He gripped the bed, choking and coughing. It didn't sound pleasant, nor did it look so. He felt dizzy, wailing slightly as his anxiety began to reach its highest point. He choked on his own air, his throat beginning to burn and his stomach lurching. 

In his mind he begged for help, screaming, even. He hit his chest the hardest he possibly could over and over again, being so out of breath that he was close to fainting. Hyperventilation.

The door opened swiftly, and he couldn't even look towards the door. He wailed, his heart about to burst. 

Jacob ran towards the boy on the floor, grabbing a hold of his hand, "Kevin. Kevin, I'm here. Kevin. Kevin!"

Kevin couldn't open his eyes, the pain in his chest too great for any physical effort. He spoke through chokes and wails, "It- It-"

He got another flashback, from the time he got hit. His eyes opened as wide as they possibly could, his wails becoming more and more painful. His shaking hands grabbed Jacob's hoodie, his body falling to the ground. He was shaking so badly that it was visible.

Jacob could feel him trembling, putting a hand gently on the boy's face to make him look at him, "Kevin, look at me. Look at me."

Sangyeon, Juyeon, Changmin, and the others had all gathered at Jacob and Kevin's dorm room at this point. They had all heard. And the scene was terrifying to them.

Kevin looked at Jacob, his breath hitching over and over, never getting in a full inhale and exhale, "He-Help."

"I know. That's what I'm gonna do," Jacob put both of his hands on Kevin's hands, squeezing them to get him back the feeling in his body, "We're gonna start with breathing, okay? Breath in."

Kevin inhaled, not stably, but it was a start.

"Breath out."

He exhaled, a little more stable than before.

"Good. Good job. We're gonna keep doing that, okay? You can do it, you know you can."

Kevin nodded slowly, continuing to regain his breathing. Jacob helped him along the way, trying his best to get the boy to breathe. 

Kevin shook his head after trying hard, "I- I can't."

Jacob smiled and shook his head as well, "You can. You know that. You're not back there anymore. You're here. With me. With every one of the members who love you and care for you. You're here, not there. You're here, not there."

Kevin listened to him speak, the words bringing him back to reality a little bit. Kevin nodded, trying to breathe again. Another ten minutes had gone by, the torturing worry finally calming down after Kevin had regained most of his breathing. 

Kevin's hands were being gently held by Jacob, caressed with his thumbs. Jacob smiled at the boy, who was still a little dazed from the experience. They didn't fight a lot, but when they did, Kevin was always heavily affected. This had been his hardest experience of all. 

"You're okay," Jacob smiled, squeezing his hands. Kevin looked at Jacob after finally stabilizing his breath fully, and he crawled into his arms like a small child who cried and needed their mother. 

Jacob swayed them back and forth, rubbing his back, "I'm right here. You're okay."

Kevin was finally able to talk, "I was so scared."

"I'm sure you were. Look, you're alright now. You've got yourself."

Kevin cried, "Thank you."