Burnt

Long Gone

I went to work feeling determined to set my life straight even if it means ignoring what I feel about my marriage.

The truth is, I never really understood when my sweet affection for my husband turned sour. It could have happened when we had kids. Or it's just that marriage really kills the vibe you have when you were just dating. I used to feel all jittery and happy when I see Derek. The thought of his lips, eyes and body make my stomach flutter with excitement.

I used to look forward into seeing him. I was always excited to be with him. I never really cared what others think just as long as we are having fun, and the people around us just buy it. They see us as the "it" couple. We used to be inseparable.

I used to see his enthusiasm for adventure and fun sexy, now I only see how irresponsible he can be at times. I once feel so irresistibly attracted to him that just the thought of him makes my heart skip a beat each time I gaze at his dark brown eyes. I used to see everything about him as great, now I almost see nothing good in what he does. I just started to feel unattached. Far away. Cold.

I know it's unfair but when your life seems all good you just question if it's real. That's the time that it hits me, that what I have and what I am is just like everybody else's. I was never the perfect girl nor the best wife. I was just Ashley a pathetic girl who has been overrated for so many things.

Lunch approached and still no response from Derek. I got my bag and started walking towards the elevator. Heart pounding I dread what will happen. I secretly hope he will not come, but I also wish we can just be like two adults who has the guts to admit to ourselves that we are a failure. Our marriage is a failure.

I got out of the lift and out into the street. The cold December air hit me and I pull my scarf closer to my face as I walk towards The Cafe', our place. It's where we used to hang out and catch up. It's our happy place our own little paradise.

I entered the little coffee shop and instantly the smell of freshly brewed coffee filled my senses and suddenly the memories came pouring in. I sat at our usual spot right beside the window with a small couch and a small wooden table. He's not there.

I burried myself into the couch and the old familiar softness of it made me smile. I can almost smell Derek. I remember the countless hours we spent talking about anything and everything. I remember how I used to vent out over choco mocha frappes my frustrations about how the quality of work from my writers is declining.

I would bubbly talk about my passion for writing with green tea latte' on my hands and laughed outrageously at his remarks at how hopeless I am. He would always tell me what a geek I am and how he thinks that it's cute. He would look me in the eye and say how he fascinates me at how passionate I am with things that I love. He would tell that it's the kind of woman he needs.

I have lost that passion, and as I lost track of time with my thoughts, I see it's already past 3pm. I have been waiting for three hours and no Derek came.

I got up with a lump on my throat.

I think I may have lost him too.