Burnt

Derek

How do you cope up with heartbreak? It's something that is new to me. I've broken up with several other girls to begin with before, but, never was I so attached and in love as I am right now that it was always easy to move on.

I am the type of guy who would not let commitment creep in if I am not 100% up for it. With Ashley I was so sure and so in love to jump of the cliff called marriage. I cannot say that I am the perfect husband, the first years of marriage was so hard. It was a struggle to reform myself from being the party animal that I was into a responsible family man. I know Ashley struggled more as she tried to understand and to fill up the things I lack to make our family whole, I knew she was not very satisfied but I never even in my mind have imagined we would end up like this.

We, like any newly married couple got into a lot of petty fights, part of the adjustment period. I thought everything was just a phase that would end. Well, it ended but somehow deep in my mind I know there was something wrong. The passionate Ashley has just resigned into being "just" my wife. She was no longer as fun as she was before, no longer as intimate and as adventurous in bed. She just became so busy and I thought maybe it's just how it was supposed to be. Maybe it was part of the process, turns out, it was not and now we have fallen apart.

I walked towards the bed and sat. My face on my palms, I started to cry. Ashley is my whole life and now, she was just a few steps away and yet I feel a tremendous feeling of longing. The pain is crawling into my whole being. How do we unlove a person? Is there such a way as to instantly not care? How can one love that has changed you and moved you to become better now make you feel worst than any hurt you've felt before?

How do we tell ourselves to wake up and move on? How do we stop ourselves from loving when the person you feel so strongly for is no less than your air? Your reason for breathing? I feel a sudden sharp pain in my left shoulder and my breath stopped short, I fell to my side and I whimper in pain, gasping for air, I am blacking out. I felt something breaking and the pain became so intense, a loud ringing in my ears started and all I saw was black. I fell on the floor. I literally just broke my heart.

I was half awake but I cannot move my body, all I heard was a panicking Ashley, trying to do CPR to me as she is shouting my name. She was a mess. Her voice was trembling as she calls out my name. Matthew fell to my side crying, calling out to me. I wanted to hug him and tell him that "Papa is alright" but my body would not allow me. The pain is ever present in my left shoulder down to my chest.

I looked at Ashley with my half closed eyes and she seemed to notice, she hurriedly got a pillow and put my head on it, she grabbed the telephone by our nightstand and I heard her through grambled speech. I assume she was calling for an ambulance. I wanted to stop her get up and hug her, tell her that I was fine and she doesn't have to worry, but again the pain grew more intense and I blacked out.

I regained my conciousness as I was being mounted into the ambulance, I was tied down on a stretcher. Everything was on a haze. All I can hear are several voices and Matthew's wailing. I feel so scared. I can still feel the pain but my mind is working. I am in such disbelief as to how I am in this situation.

Again, I blanked out.

I slowly opened my eyes to the blinding white light. I could tell I was on the hospital. I could here muffled voices talking in the background. I looked everywhere and saw people in lab gowns and masks. I looked at my hands and saw several tubes inserted into it. I wanted to talk and call Ashley but I couldn't because of the tube in my mouth. I was helpless.

I am officially the most fucked up guy in the world. One minute I had a fight with my wife telling me she wants to leave me and now I'm bedridden in a hospital where it seems like my heart is failing me - literally.