Burnt

Falling Into Place

The next day was better for me. I feel sore but my mind is clearer than before. Seeing Ashley yesterday made me realize how much I would like to fight to be with her. Her stolid equanimity when she heard about my state made me love her more.

She is no longer the frail, sheltered girl that I always felt that I needed to protect. She made me see the strong woman hidden beneath her soft exterior. I am beyond proud to have a girl like her in my life. 

I am determined that whatever she may be feeling and lacking in her life,  I can fill and furthermore, I will let her be who she is supposed to be - a girl whose her own. She can shine even without me and that is something that I have to respect and support her with. I just realized that I have been so full of myself that I failed to see her struggle of losing herself in giving so much for me and our kids. It was a process that she should have never felt. It made me feel guilty knowing that as a husband my foremost job is to make sure that I am sensitive to my wife's feelings. We were partners after all.

Being on the verge of dying made me realize that I cannot put all the blame on my wife. After all, a marriage is a binding contract of love, devotion and companionship. It is our duty to love each other unconditionally, even when the other one is loathsome. It is part of our union to assure devotion, to make my wife feel beautiful and incomparable is something that I should have put more effort on, knowing my lifestyle and my career were women may swoon all over me, I wish I had worked more harder on making Ashley know that there will be no one equal or above her. Finally, companionship, I should not have made her feel alone in any way. It is I whom she should have been drawing her strength. It should be I as her husband where she vents out all her frustrations and innermost fears. I should have been her bestfriend more than just her lover.

Ashley, as I have come to ascertain is not the villain in our love story. No one is. In a marriage there is no right and wrong but only compromise. If I want to save my marriage, I have to learn to accept and adapt. I cannot expect her to change everything and adjust to everything. She is my wife. She is not a simple friend or foe. She is my life.

Now, lying here thinking about our life together. I know for a fact that what we have is something I cannot and should not just let go. My commitment to her is beyond life and death and my love and respect for her above all is foremost important thing - not my pride or my ego.

As all the pieces and questions fall into place and get answered, there is one thing left to do.

Live for Ashley.