Burnt

Pretentious Fool

As I heard the words that came out of my mouth I surprisingly felt nothing. I have pictured this scene on my mind a thousand times and how it's supposed to be an emotional moment in my life. I felt fine, as if it's the most natural thing in the world for me to do. That's the time it really hit me, I crave freedom.

Derek jolted away from me upon hearing my cold revelation. He could not believe what he just heard, it's evident in the way his eyes probed mine for answers. I stared at him blankly and told him, "I'm not in love anymore..."

As I said that, I could see how I may have bruised his ego. His eyes glassy from the tears he so strongly kept from falling, he shouted at me, "What do you want from me Ashley?! Did I not fit your pretty perfect life?! Do you finally realized that I am just a little toy to your world? If you think I will let you off easy, think again. You will never get rid of me!" With that, he stormed upstairs entered our room and banged the door.

I never seen Derek lose himself. He gets angry but never like this. It's as if he's desperate. He is usually egoistic and so self assured, that even during our fights he would result to scaring the hell out of me, he could make me feel so low inside that I never really was able to get up and be myself again.

You may all think that Derek is all man of your dreams material but somehow I realize that what I feel is not only because I am a self-centered bitch but also because the petty fights during marriage that seems to not count has taken a toll on me. Every fight takes away something from me and I'm never the same anymore.

Me and Derek are so different. He has always been the laid back, happy-go-lucky guy and I was, well, I was Ashley. Always perfect. Smart and hardworking, bubbly and fun but never irresponsible. So, it is not rare for us to get into small fights that I think may have damaged me in a big way.

Derek has always been great with words, he knows when to say it and how to say it. That's one of the many things I liked and hated about him. I always never know when he actually meant the things he say in the end. I may feel all jittery and happy when he smothers me with his sweet nothings but when I look back, I always feel a sense of small doubt if he says what he says because he meant it, or it's because it's the right thing to say.

Even on fights Derek will always know what to say. He can kill you inside with simple words. He can make you feel so insecure.

I remember one of our big fights I cannot remember the exact reasons and details but I will always remember how he compared me to his ex and told me, "Why Ashley? Are you insecure?" Just the way he delivered those lines gave me chills. I always thought he thinks I am better if not the best from all the other girls he has been with, but hearing him say that, it felt as if it was not a question, it felt as if he is telling me that I should be insecure.

It was those words that had me feeling so low for months and even until now that I recall it. He made me feel so low.

It was not the only moment in my life that I felt like that, you may think that in a marriage there is no room for being uncomfortable with your skin but with him it's always like that. Being a model that he is, he would always make comments on how beautiful or sexy his co-models are or how great a celebrity his partners in shoot are with a little side comment comparing me to them.

Come to think of it, it was not always sweet and lovely being with Derek. Thinking of him now makes me realize what a pretentious fool he is.

The first years of our marriage I would always stay up late to wait for him. It's not always because of work but because he would spend a lof of time hanging out with his friends, I would always end up mad at him for not going home. He would always show up at 3am all drunk. He was the party goer and I was, as I have always said, just Ashley. I would get mad but would end up preparing his dinner/breakfast and wait for him so we can go to bed together. After being so tired the whole day from work and getting home early to take care of Matthew then, I would still find time to wait up for him and serve him food. That's what great wives should do right? Well, turns out that may have helped me reach this stage I am in right now - wrecked, sad, lonely and unsatisfied wife.

"If you think I will back down from this fight now, I won't." I said to myself as I composed myself and made my way into our supposed "lovenest," our room that was now turned into a battlefield.