Burnt

Say Goodbye

Derek held me for a moment longer, kissed me on the forehead and said "I'll wait for you to finish up." He got up and went inside our room and straight to bed.

I stepped out of the tub and dried myself with a towel and put on my nighties. I went inside the room and saw Derek, all eyes on me and smiling. I smiled back and went to bed into his arms.

"I missed this. I missed you."Derek said as he stroked my hair. I burried my head deeper into his arms. " I missed you too..." Deep down I know I meant it but the familiar feeling of hollowness crept back at me and my mind asks me the question that always bothers me "What are you doing Ashley? Is he really the man you love? Or is he just an escape to your boring life?"

I swallowed back the tears that are starting to form in my eyes. I love Derek. I must love him. We have kids, we've been through so much, how can I even think of not loving him?

I was sucked out of my thoughts when I heard Derek talking to me, "Ash? Hey babe? Ash! God what is wrong with you?!" "Sorry...I was just deep in thought about something at work." Said I to him.

He pulled away from me with a scowl on his face. "This is the first time in 2 months that you actually laid hands on me and even took a second look at me! You have been so busy with work or the kids. You are always tired, not in the mood or angry at me for no reason, and here you are now not listening to what I say!" Derek angrily snapped at me.

I swallowed hard. I knew he was right, but I couldn't let him know my thoughts. He shouldn't know! "That is not true Derek! You know that I have a lot going on at work and with the kids at night to take care of, of course I do feel tired. You should be mature enough to understand that." I cried in my defense.

Derek raised both hands and said, "You know what? Fine. It's my fault and it always is. For whatever it's worth I was just telling you awhile ago about my plan for our anniversary next week. I thought we should take a time off together. Just you and me?" He looked at me pleadingly and I shook my head. I hate to break his heart but I am in no mood to go anywhere with him unless I have sorted out about us and everything about me.

"Okay. I would not be asking anymore why we couldn't. I will only be hearing excuses about work and us leaving the kids behind. I already know Ash. It's fine really. I never really expect anything from you. I know it Ash, don't hide it anymore. I know that you don't care anymore..."

Something in me just snapped. "Well you know what Derek. It's not all about you. I am sick and tired of you whining all day about how I need to make time for you. I am so tired! So damn tired about everything, I hate having to do everything for everybody! I hate having to explain myself. I hate it when you all expect me to do the right thing! Well, I am not perfect okay?! Sometimes i just want to be left alone!"

"Well, is that so? Then your wish is granted Ashley. Consider this a favor to yourself." Derek replied.

With that he got up and walked over to our closet and started putting on some clothes.

"What the hell are you talking about Derek?! What are you doing? Where are you going?!" I shouted desperately.

He did not even looked backed at me. He just took off with his gym bag and keys in hand. Just like that he shut the door and left.

I was left appalled, tears streaming down my cheeks. My world felt like crashing down. For months I had been on auto-pilot with him. I never really listened to what he says. Never really asked about his work, where his shoot was, what project he's working on or even asked if he was okay. I tried my best to endure each day that I feel this empty feeling and I unknowingly already spoke to him about what is going on. I did it, I pushed him away.

All this time I thought my life perfect and now it unfolds in front of my very eyes. Everything I thought I have was a big fat lie. I felt so sick inside. I know that I am such an awful person. I felt so selfish.

A piercing cry suddenly broke through my thoughts. I hurriedly went to the adjacent room into the nursery. I scooped Sofie from her crib and hum comforting lullabye into her ears. I hugged her close and as I did, somehow I realized I have to make it up to Derek. I have to not only think about myself but for my kids. It is such a dreadful feeling but I have to do it.

I slumped back at the couch with Sofie in my arms. I cried silent tears as I pray to God that I will learn to live again. That I can make things right. I pray that I can love again.

The morning after, I awoke with the faint sunlight over my eyelids. I did not want to wake up. I somehow feel that waking up is worse than having a nightmare. I don't want to deal with the drama that awaits me.

I summoned all my strength and determination to get up and slowly I did. Head pounding from all the crying and muscles in pain from having slept on a small couch, I grabbed my phone at the master's bedroom and dialled Derek's number.

No answer.

I dialled again and the voicemail greets me. I dialled like a hundred times but still no answer from Derek. I just decided to leave him a message saying, "Hey, look I'm so sorry. Let's talk. Coffee shop at lunch."

I gingerly walked towards the bathroom and started getting ready for work. After I finished taking a shower. I hurriedly made breakfast for Matthew. As I was flipping pancakes, I felt tiny hands tug at my skirt. I looked down and saw a teary eyed Matthew.

"Honey what's wrong?"

"Where's Papa? I heard the car go. He left me." With that he burst into tears and shouted "I want Papa! I want Papa! I want Papa!"

"Honey, it's okay. Papa is just at work. He will be back later so you can play." I hugged him tight and whispered comforting things to make him calm. Finally able to stop whimpering he agreed for me to feed him.

It was heartbreaking knowing that I could have just screwed it up for my kids. Matt needs his dad.

I let out a sigh of relief as the doorbell rang. Finally, Jane has arrived.

After leaving Jane with my usual list of what to dos for the kids. I run towards my car. Started the engine and slumped my head onto the steering wheel. I just feel so tired. Deep inside I knew I needed the space but it's not just me, we have kids.

God knows how many sleepless hours at night I spent googling self help articles on how to save my marriage. Dozens of books and magazines researching why I feel like this, why I feel so out of love for my husband. I never cheated. I never felt any attraction to other men and yet I keep on falling out of love. Turns out they cannot help me and a lot of times it's just something that happens.

Apparently, we all fall into a comfortable routine when we marry. It becomes then a habit that we feel is safe for us to do. A sure fire way to survive each day, until it becomes a nightmare of chores. A lot of married people fall into this trap and most of the time it ends up burning each partner out. The last resort? Divorce.

Just thinking of the "D" word makes me cringe. I have got to stop this madness. I need to get Derek back.

I determinedly dialled his number. Got the voicemail again and said "Babe, we really need to talk. Call me."

I put the phone down, took a deep breath and backed out of the parking.

This is going to be a long day.