Burnt

The Surgery

Derek is inside the operating room again. Today he will undergo Coronary Artery Bypass Grafting. A healthy artery will be removed from his body and is connected or grafted to bypass the blocked portion of the coronary artery.

In one short paragraph I have summed up the deciding factor in my husband's life. A terrifying fact that makes me quiver inside. I did not ever imagine being in this part of our life where we have grown so apart and now even death is knocking on our door trying to take him away from me, from us.

While sitted at the waiting room I cannot help but blame myself for all of this. The last words I have said may have been too much for him and I own up to it. It may have been the worst thing that I have said and done in my entire life. Derek is fighting to live because I am his life. His heart broke at the reality of losing me and I felt horrible.

I have been too harsh to him. I have been selfish and cold. I blocked him off of my world. I built up a wall so high that I did not realize the suffering that I have been causing. I was too consummed by self pity and insecurity that I forgot too see the light beyond the darkeness that has swallowed me whole. I am burnt, weak and pathetic.

Yes, he may be part of the reasons why I am in this awful place but perhaps, if I have opened myself up so he could see what he has done, I may not be so depressed with my life. If only I have been stronger and wiser, I would not have let myself down the drain of this pitiful condition. If only.

These two words make me cringe. I cannot accept that our life together would end with these two words full of regret. If only.

Tears started to fall uncontrollably and I felt so cold and alone and I miss Derek's warmth. His laughter was my sunshine, his hugs and kisses is forever summer. He is my high. I loved him with all of me and right now I feel like all those sweet thoughts and feelings have not really gone. They were just here inside me all along. I was just into deep the shit of pain and melancholy that I thought I needed to be alone. It turns out that I only needed him. That our marriage is what I needed.

I now see that of course life is not a fairy tale and it is far from it. It made me realize that beyond love there is respect and companionship. That I will not always feel in love with my husband but I would always seek his companionship. Marriage is a life long partnership. It is a commitment to be with each other through thick and thin, in sickness and in death. Love is not the center of it, but it is realizing that no one should ever feel alone. That being married is never ever feeling abandoned. That was something I never thought before. This fact may not be romantic at all but at my age, I now realize that there is nothing more fantastical than knowing you have someone for always.

I have Derek and I am not by myself. We have a family and that should be more than enough to get by.

Does regret always have to come in the end? Somehow I have a feeling that he will be gone and I will be miserable for all eternity for killing my soulmate. I caused his suffering that's why he had a heart attack. His blood is in my hands and there is nothing worse than that.

With a weary heart I dragged my feet to get to the Hospital Chapel. There upon entering I went down on my knees and uttered again and again.

"I will make this right, please save him..."