Burnt

Ugly Truth

That night I went home unhappy.

I am unhappy.

I smiled at myself while driving and passing through the highway. I was smiling because for the first time in my life I admitted to myself that I am indeed unhappy. It feels liberating knowing that for the longest time I was only playing a role. I have been acting just like how people expect me to - be the best at work, be a nice person and be a great wife.

It was not me. It was just part of the intricate script I have written for my life. It was like being inside a movie house watching myself fool everyone including myself, that I am the perfect girl that everyone would envy. Deep inside I was just a wreck. I was a hollow person.

I have loved my husband, that I am sure of.

I used the word "loved" because right now, it seems like it was a long time ago. I feel like I am thinking about a far off relationship. Something that was over. Our story was doomed the moment I married him. It was a big mistake, an unfortunate event in my life.

It struck me, I don't love my husband anymore. I am just stuck in a marriage, in a family where I am sad. As years went by I just became a slave to the role that I play and I only seek the pride and honor it gave me when people leave remarks at how great my life is.

Tears started rolling while I was laughing uncontrollably. I am such a pathetic fool. I have wasted my life and there was no turning back. The only thing good in my life are my kids. They are the only people that kept me doing what I was doing. I only seek their happiness and I feel that as their mother it is my responsibility to make them grow up in a family that they deserve even if it means I would have to sacrifice my own life.

All I feel right now is trapped. It is already too late to start over. I just have to suck it up and live my life, play my part.

I pulled up at our driveway and I was surprised to see Derek's truck parked there.

He's home again to me. He came back to his wreck of a wife, to a vile, pretentious bitch.

I sigh, saying that about myself it made me realize how better my life is than Derek's. I pity him. Deep inside I felt sorry for him. He should have grabbed the escape route that opened up the other night when we fought. He should have just pulled the plugged and ended our miserable life together.

I slowly let myself out of the car. Heart pounding, I approach our front door and as it clicked open so does my heart broke.

I don't know if I still can go through with this kind of life. I don't know if I can still be the wife and the mother I used to be. I'm scared out of my wits.

The running, screaming and laughter of Matt together with Derek's voice suddenly pushed me out of my thoughts.

Derek stopped short upon seeing me. We stood there silent and gazing at each other. He then walked towards me with hesitation but when he was finally close enough he cupped my face with his hands, kissed my forehead and hugged me. "I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have left. I didn't mean to hurt you babe, I love you. Please forgive me." He whispered as his voice broke with emotions while we stood there. His arms wrapped around me and me standing there lifeless.

I cannot believe how much Derek loves me. If only he knew what things I keep deep in my heart. I feel so guilty into dragging him into a life he thought was great, unknowingly he has himself drowned with lies after lies. I ask myself, "Is this what I want? Is this fair?"

Without thought or emotion I heard myself say softly to Derek, "I want a divorce."