Unhealthy obsession (Haikyuu AU)

Chapter 51

Sakusa looked towards the horizon. The clear night sky and the gentle sea breeze coming from the coast eased his anxiety a bit but it was not enough to completely eliminate the regret he felt. His fingers stroked over and over the silver medal on the leather collar that had belonged to someone he now longed for.

He was leaning on the railing of the living room balcony, watching the stars reflect off the sea just beyond. Around him there were no lights, no dwellings or any other way of life. He lived totally alone. Everything was surrounded by vast uninhabited land, land that belonged to Sakusa. Not everyone could have bought a piece of land so large and so far from the bustle of Tokyo to leave it uninhabited without taking advantage of it by constructing buildings. But Sakusa wasn't just anyone. He was one of the most desired porn actors in Japan and the one who earned the most from each video due to the nature of the content; as it was not vanilla porn, the price of acquiring permission to view them was higher than the cost of acquiring access to any other type of video. So he had more than enough money to buy that land and not put it to commercial use.

Sakusa had sought and acquired that land after becoming famous to build a home away from the world, where no one could find him and to be able to keep his secrets. Only his manager Ushijima and two other men who worked for him knew the location of the house.

Sakusa was suspicious of his private life, that was nothing new. He hated to think that he was a public figure and that he had fans. He did porn because he liked to do it, because he liked having a sub at his mercy and he had found a way to make money off that fantasy. But no one had told him about the paparazzi, the obsessive fans, the unwanted publicity of him in all the media, his face on billboards signs in the city, the people who followed him if they recognized him on the street and that kind of unpleasant and hostile situations that made Sakusa hate leaving his house. Whenever he went out he wore a mask that covered most of his face and sunglasses, even if it was at night.

He had an unhealthy obsession with keeping his secrets that way: secret. He hated that people knew what he was doing in his private life.

And it had cost him Atsumu.

The pained, tearful face of the young man the last time he had seen him came to his mind every time he let his guard down. Atsumu's cracking voice and his failed attempt to hold back the sobs before getting in the car, when he thought Sakusa no longer heard him, echoed in Sakusa's ears like the macabre melody of a goodbye that had left them both undone. His heart clenched and ached, and it was very difficult for him to continue living his life as if he did not feel miserable, alone and isolated from the world. Loneliness had never hit him so hard as up to that moment. It is not that he talked to Atsumu everyday, but just knowing that there was someone out there with who he shared something so sacred like a connection, a kind of relationship, made him feel accompanied; he may was alone but he didn't feel alone.

You like him, he told himself. You like him a lot. And you care for him more than you're willing to admit.

He covered hjs face with his hands, letting the leather of the collar brush against his cheek. He had to put up with the urge to call Atsumu, to apologize and explain and tell him how much he wanted to see him again. His logic battled against his heart, but it seemed that the latter was closing in on victory.

But then he remembered the cameras, the photographic lenses staring at him and judging him like metallic eyes staring at him endlessly. He remembered the magazines spreading unfounded rumors thanks to a couple of stupid photos taken in moments of vulnerability. He remembered the null privacy he was exposed to every time he went out into the real world. His own colleagues were living that, there were always photos of Terushima, Oikawa and Kuroo in the magazines, and Sakusa had tried very hard not to have the same thing happening to him. It was obnoxious, and he wasn't about to let people know anything more about him than what was shown in the videos, under a black mask and latex gloves.