Unhealthy obsession (Haikyuu AU)

Chapter 30

Bokuto looked at Kuroo's tweets again: he was fine, and knowing that took a load off him.

But still he felt like shit, because he hurt the only person who mattered to him. How did everything end so badly? Was it really his fault?

Thousands of questions swirled in his head in an unstoppable whirlwind, but he didn't know the answer to any of them. He preferred not to think that he was entirely to blame, but he couldn't blame Kuroo either, because he was the one who took the worst of the relationship, and that was something that Bokuto was very clear about from the moment Kuroo yelled at him in the dressing room that he spent nights crying when Bokuto was sleeping with someone else to make Kuroo jealous.

He had been selfish and stubborn, and instead of talking to Kuroo to fix things, he always decided to take the law into his own hand, which led to this situation, where Kuroo found himself in such a desolate state that he almost he surrendered to death, not caring about anything or anyone, not even himself.

Bokuto torn him apart from the inside out and that was something that wouldn't be so easy to fix.

I lost him, Bokuto thought. I lost him because I'm stupid and I didn't know to trust him.

He sighed and closed his eyes, still lying on his bed with his hands folded on his stomach. There were words that resonated inside him and that were making him bleed because they imposed on him a truth that he had refused to accept for the last 5 years with Kuroo.

"You're wrong about Kuro-chan. And Kuro-chan is wrong about you. You're breaking each other, can't you see that?"

Oikawa's right, he thought.

Still, Bokuto couldn't help but feel a sting, like a burning nail through his gut. Kuroo would be happy with someone else, but... who was he left with?

"We all deserve a second chance."

Bokuto's eyes suddenly opened when he remembered that phrase and who uttered it, accompanied by a smile that pretended to be understanding and teal eyes that glowed in the purple light from the spotlights of a party that now seemed so far away but was only two weeks ago. Time passed very fast and very slow at the same time, and Bokuto didn't even remember the young man who approached him to speak before a scandal broke out in the middle of the dance floor. But now that he remembered...

He sat up on the bed, picked up his phone, and went on Twitter. He went into Oikawa's profile and searched among the people he followed until he found who he was looking for. He got into the profile and hit the "follow" button before putting the phone aside and lie down again. Two minutes later the sound of a Twitter notification echoed in the room and Bokuto bolted to his feet to look at his phone and check that Akaashi was now following him back.

"Great," Bokuto muttered out loud.

He hit the button for the DMs and prepared to type a message. His hands were shaking a bit and he didn't know how to start the conversation, but he sure would do well if he took a deep breath and cleared his mind.

But when he took a deep breath ready to send a message, something stopped him.

No. You can't do it. How can you dare to turn the page? You deserve to suffer, you deserve to cry and feel anxiety. You don't deserve to be happy, a voice murmured in Bokuto's mind.

His fingers froze in midair above the on-screen keyboard as if they suffered an electric shock that left them paralyzed. His breathing became fast and shallow and he felt a pressure build in his chest like a brick crushing his heart and lungs. Wide-eyed, he dropped the phone onto the mattress and grabbed the front of the gray T-shirt he was wearing, squeezing the fabric between his fingers as he tugged it with the intention of leaving more room for his chest to be able to to breathe. But it had no effect.

Seeing that it was not working, he got to his feet so quickly that his shaking legs lost their balance and he staggered, falling to his knees to the ground. He gripped the edge of the bed and tried to get back to his feet, his breath wheezing in pain and his mouth dry. He ran into the bathroom holding onto the hallway walls and nearly tore his shirt off on the way.

He turned on the cold water faucet and held on to the sink, his knuckles turning whitish due to the lack of blood from the pressure exerted. He joined his hands to form a bowl and filled them with the icy water that he quickly splashed on his face. He grabbed the edge of the sink again and looked at himself in the mirror as drops of cold water fell on his bare chest, through which you could see his heart beating so fast and so hard that his pecs shook.

He looked into the eyes staring back at the polished, shiny surface of the mirror, and tears began to fall.

It was true. He was a monster, a despicable being.

And he didn't deserve to be happy.

***

"Are you sure you're okay?" Oikawa asked again on the other end of the phone line.

"Yeah, don't worry," Kuroo replied with a small smile. "And thank you for caring about me, Oikawa-kun. It means a lot to me."

"You don't have to thank me for anything, Kuro-chan. I'm glad to know that you're feeling better."

"Yeah but still... I don't think I can forgive Koutaro... And I don't know if I can forgive myself either," Kuroo said regretfully.

"Kuro-chan, you reacted as you reacted because he did something to you that shocked you. You don't have to blame yourself, you didn't do anything wrong," Oikawa replied.

Kuroo sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He did not know if Oikawa was right or was just saying it to reassure him and prevent guilt and defeat from consuming him again as had almost happened the day before, but still, he was grateful that Oikawa was by his side, trying to encourage him despite all the troubles he was having that could be exhausting for Oikawa.

"You're an amazing man, Oikawa-kun," Kuroo whispered with a small smile.

On the other end of the phone there was no answer, just a breathy, shaky sigh. Oikawa blushed upon hearing those words and his stomach sank as if he was thrown into the void from a skyscraper, his heart pounding and a loving smile on his lips. "You too, Kuro-chan," he replied after a long silence.

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Too many shits are going on at the same time in my life lmao this weekend is hell haha

Poor Bokuto, he does deserve to be happy, he did wrong but he deserves redemption... 😔

Well babies, this is the end of this chapter, I'll see you on wednesday

ILOVEYOUSOFUCKINGMUCH

NAZ, OVER AND OUT!