Seasons

Lover

That Night

I woke from my nap the  house was quiet and cold. The weather here changes fast . It is November though so I have been expecting it. I went to the bathroom and cleaned myself up it was only 7pm... looks like i'm not sleeping tonight

"Jason" I opened the bathroom door

"Yeah?" I walked down the stairs in confusion 

"What's the matter?" Delanie asked

"Nothing you just sounded just like Saige, I really miss her," I shook my head I must be going crazy

"I know you do, will you go look the washer it's making funny noises" I looked at her and she had this smile like something was going on

"Uhh sure" I walked into the mudroom

"BOO" I jumped

"Hi!!" I stood still in shock Saige was standing right infront of me

"Wiat.. huh" I looked at Saige to Delanie back to Saige

"OH MY GOD!" I pulled her into a hug.

Hugging Jason didn't feel real maybe it's all the weed I smoked, I breathed in his scent that I have missed so very much.

"I love you Saige"

"I love you too" I could tell he had been drinking already he was very wobbly

I closed my eyes and thought of that last hug with Ava... I have been trying too hard to let her go but I just simply can't no matter what I do, move across the state and find a new woman who is amazing and I absolutely adore. I don't think Ava James will ever not be with me she is a part of me and I have one of her what we had was so raw and real we knew each other like we knew the back of our hand... the things she has helped me through- made me feel loved when nobody else did. She saw me at me lowest and falling apart and helped me get back to my from of stable.

"You wanna drink?" I snapped out of thought

"Sure..." I watched as Jason grabbed a bottle of red wine it is 7pm

"What?"

"Jason it is 7pm"

"I thought you meant soda" I knew he was drinking he was good for a while but he is falling back to his old habits I do wonder when it started I do know it started before we were dating and a lot in the beginning when we first started dating he was really sad all the time and I never and still don't know what about, I know he is clinically depressed and he has his up and down days but when we first got together he was sad about something not sad as if it was a bad day. He would drink a lot then he was ok and now he isn't on anymore. When we talk or are snuggling his head is somewhere else.

"I can get you a soda" setting the bottle of wine on the counter he went back and grabbed a coke.

"Here you go"

"Thanks" I gave him a weak smile. I wonder why he is drinking wine. He never prefers something stronger. I watched as he took a sip  from the bottle.

"Babe, can I ask you something?"

"Sure"

"You're drinking wine, that's new"

"Yeah, i'm expanding my palate"

I don't think he is drinking it for something new... I think a certain somebody loves red wine and that's why he is drinking it. A while ago I called this girl Ava ad asked her if they were involved because I saw him looking at her instagram and there is definitely something he isn't telling me about her.

"You are acting weird what's up? He moved over to the couch

"I'm not,"

Why are you drinking again! Your sister told me you got drunk" he ignored me and took a bigger sip than before.

"I'm talking to you" I stepped  in front of him so he would look at me. My heart was beating fast I didn't know what his reaction would be he gets very angry very fast.

"Why do you care what and how much i'm drinking!"

"Because I don't want you to be like Justin!"

"Don't you ever compare me to my father!" he yelled getting in my face

"Then stop acting like him!" I yelled back holding my ground, usually when he is like this I stay quiet to avoid this very argument

I stood at the top of the stairs hoping they did not hit each other like our parents did

"Fuck you" he stomped up the stairs and pushed past me with the bottle of wine.

"And fuck you too!" he slammed his door casing the walls to shake

"Saige, you ok?" I walked down the stairs

"Yep" she ran her fingers through her short blonde hair

"He needs to get help" she looked at the kitchen that was a mess

"I will clean this up" she started putting things away, I knew that he scared her she seemed very shaky

"Jason!" I yelled stomping up the stairs

"What!"  I glared at Delaine who stood in my doorway

"You need to go down there and tell her how sorry you are, you scared the crap out of her"

"Whatever get out!" I was almost in tears all I could think of was Ava... and I hated myself for how I hurt her and how I can't give Saige my whole heart because Ava has a big part of it. I still listen to the playlist she made for me. The songs are deep they explain her emotions perfectly.  She left the room I calmed down but not enough to go down stairs usually I would pretend everything is fine I am good at faking a smile or that i'm happy when im not. But  this time I can't.

I listened to the playlist Jason made for me and occasionally  still adds songs too, I miss him and I still love him. I say I'm over him but he is everywhere.. In every song, he is never not on my mind and I wish he would just go away it's hard to love my current guy when I still love Jason, I don't know if I will ever truly  let go of him. I have forgiven him for the pain he had put me through im not sure if that was a mistake or not it was much more easy to hate him for hurting me  the way he did.