Seasons

God Only Knows

I could hear glasses moving around. I felt bad for yelling at her but I just can't have a conversation without crying or screaming. I do love Ava I always have but i'm not sure of I tell her or not or if she would even love me after everything i have been a terrible person to everyone. I sighed as I opened my door and walked down the stairs

"Hi" Ava jumped trying to hide the wine bottle and glass she gave me a guilty smile

"You don't need to hide it from me" she raised her brow with a scowl

"I mean you don't have a drinking problem so it's fine if you drink" Ava didn't acknowledge my comment and walked over to the couch

"Have we really come to ignoring each other after all these years of shit we have been through?"

"Well can you talk to me without yelling, i'm trying to be as supportive and caring as I can while trying to help you!"

"I know it's hard to admit I need help its embarrassing"

"Yes and it's a very uncomfortable process but it needs to be done, just let me help you" She looked at me taking a sip of wine and laughing trying to lighten the mood

"Yeah about the helping thing that does not help" she put the wine aside and laid down on the couch with her arms open. I snuggled in as she wrapped her arms around me. I felt safe and relaxed. I had forgotten what hugs felt like.

I ran my fingers through Jason's hair as I felt his body relax more and more

"Are you high?" I asked

"No I threw up the pill" he lifted his head to look at me 

"Good!" he smiled and laid back down I kept playing with his hair after a while small snores filled the silence. I laid there thinking about the day I met him all the way up to the moment right now. How the hell did we get here?

I woke up confused, Ava was asleep I got up carefully so I wouldn't wake her I covered her with a blanket I wen to my room and grabbed all the drugs and alcohol I had hid i'm so sick of it I walked back down the stairs and dumped all the bottles out and left them on the counter it was hard but I had to do it I wandered back to the couch and snuggled back in I hate being awake it's painful.

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I laid there awake trying to figure out if Jason was high and if it was only one drug he uses. By looking at him there was no sign of him being an addict his teeth were perfectly straight and white his skin looked healthy his hair was thick ad full and soft he was a little skinny but nothing dramatic to where someone would ask if he was sick. I don't know what I feel after knowing this about him. I don't look at him or fell any different about him just more concerned .I have hope that he will get better and never touch that stuff ever gain but part of me knows the reality of this, he could just keep taking the drugs and not wake up one day. 

"What other drugs do you do?" I asked holding my breath I was not sure if I wanted the answer to that one

"Don't worry about me I will be ok" he answered avoiding the question 

"Jason, please tell me I won't look at you any different" 

"Just give me time please" I huffed at his answer how can he be so chill about this? Dose he even realize how this effect him and everyone who cares about him! Drugs don't only destroy the person but it destroys relationships and the mental heath of everyone around them. 

"I need space" Jason shot up and went up to his room slamming his door.

I locked my door I was ticked off that Ava went through my shit but at the same time I understand why. I don't take drugs just to take them or to become an addict I take them because of all the fucking emotional bullshit that has happened that I don't have the capacity to deal with. I know it's bad for me and that I could very easily go to bed one night and never wake up  but Im to far gone for someone to help me. I mix different drugs every night half the time I don't remember what drugs I mixed. Half the time I can't feel my whole body or remember anything. Ava has no idea how deep I have fallen into this I snort it I will mix the drugs into my wax pen and smoke it or I will just shoot up. It didn't used to be so bad and I was not always soo deep into addiction like I am now I used to only take a very small amount, but here I am not even knowing or caring how much I take. 

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I sat on the couch waiting until Jason cam back down, he will probably just lock himself away in his room for the rest of eternity. I really have no words nor do I know what to do in this situation because no matter what I  do he will pull away form me, he is just that kinda person.  I sat there thinking of how I can ask him what kinda drugs he is on without him getting pissed off and shutting down. I walked up the stairs taking a breath before reaching for the door handle 

"What?" he opened the door causing me to jump 

"What are you doing?" 

"Don't worry about it" he opened the door I looked around to see if he left anything out but knowing him he is pretty damn good at hiding his shit. All I know is that it is not just alcohol anymore that I need to worry about.