Seasons

Drunk Me

I thought of what I can have with Saige and decided to really try letting Ava go.. It is about time for me to get myself together.  I got changed and looked through Saige's bag for her pajamas, Walking down the stairs I saw her looking out the window

"Come to bed with me" I wrapped my arms around her hugging her from the back

"Are you going to be nice?"  she turned around hugging me back she rested her head on my chest and took a deep breath

"I have missed this"

"I have too, I will try to get my act together, You are so patient and caring and I can't thank you enough and there is nothing I can say to make my behavior ok"

"Well you are worth it, and I do think you need to help I know you have been depressed lately"  her body tensed

"I know, I have been trying but I have been coping like this since freshman year and I don't know what else to do.. I don't like to feel all that pian at once so when I drink and smoke it makes it easier" her body relaxed "I used to not drink and smoke when I was sad but I just get really depressed and I would be very reckless I would drive to fast without a seat belt and stuff like that"

I listened to what he was saying I have seen him sad but I don't think I have seen him at his lowest

"Well you know when you are sad or angry or just anything i'm here for you"

"I know but girls in the past didn't really understand me and how I process my emotions. As you know I have good days and really bad days. I like to cry alone, at times I just need to go be alone with my feelings to process them.  And I have had  days where I don't leave my bed"

That explained a lot, he disappears sometimes then will comeback

"I didn't know it got that bad"

"Yeah well know you do, I don't open up like this"

"Well i'm glad you did" I gave him a kiss and we walked upstairs

"Oh my god!"

"What?"

"It's snowing!" Saige squealed 

"You scared me"

"Wanna play in it?" she had the biggest smile on her face

"Sure! But I don't know if the snow will stick"

Jason seems calmer now, still drunk but nice. We put on jackets and shoes and walked out the front door.

I watched as Saige played in the snow flurries laughing and smiling. It made me happy to see her like that, I wonder if I make her unhappy at times. I certainly don't try to I just have never had a woman including my own mother who wants to stand by me. I also not expecting her to stay everyone leaves eventually I don't know what she sees in me i'm a fucked up guy who can't manage his emotions who numbs  his pain with alcohol and weed and antidepressantsI also don't know how to control my anger I just fly off the handle I don't deserve her I was never given the right tools to process anything I was going through I just managed and now I don't know how to change. Part of it is facing the pain and I don't want to face the pain I like to be numb to it and pretend like it's fine when it's not. I also walk around everyday just going through the motions  nothing feels real. There are rare times when I walk outside and feel like i'm actually living and these times are amazing .

I watched as they stood in the snow. I missed the old Jason but I love him and I'm his sister and I'm supposed to see  and be there for him when he is at his worst and I think this is the worst... i'm hoping I have so many questions about what dad did to him, I want to make things right with him I wasn't there when he needed me the most.

"Are you ready for bed?' Saige asked looking at me

"Yeah" we walked back into the house and got dressed for bed

I washed my face and walked back into the bedroom. Jason was already asleep, I covered him. I unpacked some of my stuff  a envelope fell out from under a box I moved I was labed Jason hesitated a moment I was just going to put it back but It smelled faintly like perfume so I opened it