Seasons

Home

I drove down that poorly paved road in Omaha Nebraska in the same old white 2003 Toyota Tacoma I learned to drive in, it eventually became mine sophomore year of high school. My truck is falling apart but it's my fist car my baby, and I love her so much yes it's a her. I pulled up to the house I lived in the first seven years of my life, being back here being up so many memories I will always cherish.

I'm shocked my dad kept the house all these years I parked my truck next to my sister's white Lexus, I shook my head. I never understood girls and needing a new car, don't get me wrong I would love a new 2018 Tacoma but I am also thankful for what I have. One day I will have that new truck. I punched in the garage code it was still the same.

"Hello?" I said as I walked through the laundry room that opened up to the kitchen. The house still had the same smell it always had.

"Hi my sister Delaine yelled back, I looked around and everything was still the same- the curtains at the window and the wallpaper in the kitchen. Even that old brown round table that I broke and my dad fixed was there.

"Are you happy to be back?"Delaine asked as she pulled me into a hug.

"Yeah," I replied getting snapped out of memory lane,

"So, is Trevor here?" Trevor is her boyfriend.

"No he is in Boston. His mom isn't doing too good." I knew by her facial expression that she was making it sound better then it was.

"Oh, ok hey, do we have anything to eat? I'm starving" I opened the fridge and looked around- there was nothing.

"Yeah sorry, I've been working a lot, i've been surviving on Rahman"

"Speaking of work, how can you afford everything like the water and heating bills, from what     I remember the heating bill was always the big one? I grabbed a noodle cup from the pantry.

"A job," she said sarcastically, I looked at her.

"Noo you don't say," I rolled my eyes.

'You do know what that is...right?" she played she doesn't know the hell I have been through since she decided just to run away to Nebraska and never bothered to coming back for me 

"Oh, Jason you're still so sassy," I huffed but she was right. I'm still a rude obnoxious pot- head and borderline alcoholic, if we are being honest.

"So about affording everything, Trevor has a good job and help pays the bills. We make a comfortable, living we have what we need."

"Even your car insurance on that new car?" I raised my eyebrow,

"Yes, you pay for your car right?"

"Sadly."

"Do you not remember I lived with dad for three  years?!" I shuddered at the thought and the flashback of the nights when he come in drunk yelling at me and smacking me around well he did more than smack me. My sister knew what he did to me  but chose to pretend nothing happened, I resent her for that.

I wanted to say something to him or ask a question, after all he is my little brother. I didn't know what to say he needed me and I wasn't there for him. He went through so much hard emotional stuff alone. The little I know is about what happened between him and Ava, the girl he has loved since freshman year. I always thought that they would always have each other but I guess not. I also know about what our father has put him through, and lastly Saige his current girlfriend but other than that's it I have no clue...about his feelings, emotions or thoughts. Whenever I wanted to know his thoughts and feelings I would ask Ava- she knew everything.

"Well I'm going to bed, I probably won't be here when you get up," he gave me a smile. I smiled back and went upstairs; I tuned on his bedroom light. My boyfriend Trevor and I bought new furniture and bed for him and painted his room. He isn't seven anymore, I sighed as I went into my room thinking of all the good times Jason and I had in this house growing up-times were certainly easier.

I sat at the kitchen table It was a bittersweet being back, I thought by moving that all my feelings and all the shit would fade away but instead it followed me. I thought about how Saige my girlfriend begged me not to move out here but I went anyway and even though it's been almost a year since I hurt Ava (who I never have stopped loving) it still haunts me. She is the one woman I never wanted to hurt but here I am. The memories of her and I flood my mind like they always  do when I am left alone with my thoughts. I even still listen to the playlist she made for me over the years.My mind should be all about Saige, I love her I really do but she is very complex and has a temper. Her temper feeds mine and we are always fighting. I looked through the cabinets for a drink, I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't drink so I wouldn't become my father, we all become our parents so who cares at this point.

I drove  around town, and I ended up at Jason's house., I  was so mad at him for moving, I wanted him to wait a  few months so I could go with him. We are 3 months apart and if he waited I could've gone too. His father's car was in the driveway. I never had much time to get to know his dad and that was for good reason. He has slowly told me how they are towards each other. I felt bad for him, No wife, Jason hates him and his daughter pretends like she doesnt know him. I looked through my phone and clicked in Jason's contact. His name in my phone is Bubs with a white heart, we haven't talked since we fought about him leaving the night before he left. I missed everything about him, even his temper.

I leaned on the counter watching the blonde boy who stole my heart when it was scattered all over, I still was in total awe that he is mine. After we dated the summer after seventh grade I thought I would never see him again and here I am wearing his hoodie while he cooks us dinner. There is no doubt he is the man I should be with. What are the chances he came around when my grandma died and I was having a hard time and here he is again right when I was having a hard  time. He made everything I felt for Jason go away and he is just a very distant memory to me. I do wonder how he is doing. He is very unstable emotionally. He may be a distant memory to me but I will never forget all the times I have seen him so broken and fragile and how he is such a good person. Ok well maybe I still love him, I always will but just different as i will love my husband oneday.

I stumbled up the stairs I couldn't think or feel anything, that's how I like it just a moment away from the constant thinking and pain and mess of emotions I feel. I layed on my bed.