Seasons

Take Yours

"What?" Jason said grabbing his keys from me

"Why..you could of crashed"

"Glad to know you still care" I said, being passive aggressive he rolled his eyes. I knew he was done with my shit he grabbed his keys and walked out the door. 

I got into my car and pulled out onto the main road. I needed to think I have no idea how I feel about Saige, the only thing I can think of is Ava.. what the actual fuck it has been alomost a year why can't I let ger go. I was doing better than I was and now i'm falling back to the place I have tried so hard to pull myself out of. I feel like i'm stuck in my head with all my demons who want to watch me fall and I constantly am tired and anxious, I feel as if i'm being suffocated because i'm holding back tears all day. On top of all that I does not help a doctor called me about my father even after everything has done to me. I am still his son and at the end of the day I take care of him. I don't forgive him or love him but he did do some good in his life. The only place where I felt I wanted to go was work. I felt anxious and connected to Ava in a way that I can not explain I just could feel her have a sense of how she is, We have always had that kind if connection where we know each other like we designed one another. I wonder if she felt my presence like I felt hers, no matter how much time passed thinking of her still hurts just as much as the day it happened.

I sat there and I had a weird feeling about Jason.. I usually have feelings when his name or the thought of him comes up. Usually the feeling of sadness and the missing him but this time it was different it made me anxious.

"Ava" I snapped out of memory lane

"Yeah"  I looked at my boyfriend Justin who looked so happy he really did love me, I love him but my heart belongs and will always be Jason's and if he needed me I would be there. I knew that this would come back to bite me but he never turned his back on me. No matter how hard I tried I could not shake the feeling of Jason's presence as if he was sitting right next to me. I knew one day that brown haired blue eyed boy would come back. 

"Where did he go?" Saige asked pacing back and forth, as his sister I should know but at the same time I knew he was ok and could handle himself. They were no doubt toxic even people who don't know them sense it when they enter a room. Saige dialed his number....again

"Ok, that's enough, he will come back he always does" giving her a reassuring smile she puts her phone on the couch

I processed what she was saying. I wondered why he was the way he was. I felt like I had a few ideas. I felt as if I didn't even know him maybe I don't I had a gut feeling who knew him the best and I can never or will be her.

"What is wrong with me?" I blurted out, Delanie looked at me she knew exactly who I was talking about

"Nothing is" Trevor looked at us then disappeared up the stairs

"Saige, I can assure you it is not you"

I sat in my car watching the snowfall, I wondered about Ava, trying to process everything I am feeling. I feel lost I am being pulled left, right, up and down. Everybody needs something from me.. Work Saige my sister and even Ava .All I want and need is Ava she has always helped me through thick and thin and has been there for me when I have not deserved her and there has been alot of times where she should have left and never looked back. I looked through old photos of her and I cried at them. I missed her and needed her even though I act like I don't.

I layed in bed well Jason's bed on his side. I miss him and want him to come back and for us to be fine like we were months ago. I understand he needs space like I do but I don't think he knows it hurts me. I decided to read her letter to understand

To the girl who loves him next

He isn't perfect nobody is and things will certainly not be as smooth as you like,he is a different kind of special he is a boy a man who will love and adore you he will put your needs before he will focus on himself. He works hard and is always tired but he does what he needs to do and is proud of it at the end of the day. He may not open up to you at first and he will take a while too for good reasons. He has a very fragile heart even though he seems he is invincible deep down he is so emotional and the little things get him like animals who are in shelters. He cries a lot and will act like everything Is fine even if he is falling apart inside you need to know him like the back of your hand if he cries and breaks down In front of you he trust you and all you really need to do is assure him you are there for him even when it's hard to do and trust me at times it will be hard his emotions are complex and run much deeper than someone hurt my feelings. He shows how he feels through music so pay attention to the lyrics Of the songs he sends or plays for you he is trying to tell you something. He doesn't like to talk about his problems so don't push him he will talk about then when he is ready. He has a temper and he yells sometimes because he holds in his frustration and all of sadness and it all comes out at once. I promise he doesn't hate you . Under all that He is the most funny loving person you will ever meet he has his moments where he seems to be losing his mind but he will come round. He will be happy then sad don't let his sad days get to you it won't be anything you have done he just needs time alone he will be back. So I hope whoever has him next loves him appreciate him most of all be there for him and never use his weakness against him. He is stubborn and will never give up but if he does just know he has tried his hardest and has reached a breaking point. Take care of him.

It all made sense now even his emotions but I still don't have and won't have the connection they had and I figured that is what he needs.