Maddend Heart ~Ivar The Boneless~

Chapter 30// Bow down

And I can't take
One more moment of this silence
The loneliness is haunting me
And the weight of the world's getting harder to hold up

...

I walked straight into one of the big bathing houses closing the door behind me just to sink on the floor against it.
My live just felt unreal at this point, nothing felt like it once was.
I miss the days where I would dance in fields of flowers being happy with such an easy life.

I cry ou loudly to let go off all my frustration. I have no power to stand up, crawling to the empty pool of warm water. Were not staying here, I doubt that someone will ever be able to live in these walls again, or bath in this water so I slowly start to remove my clothes. They're on me like a second skin because of all the dried blood and mud making it uncomfortable to pull it down. I'm relatively clean under these clothes, my hair, face, hands and the cut on my leg being the only things that needed extra attention. Looking down I see a lot of blood between my legs which makes me gulp.

I grab a towel dipping it in the water to clean up the worst. They're completely ruined as I'm finished and I just grab another one laying it on the floor next to the pool as I slowly sink down in the hit water Feeling the tension glide down my body.

I look around seeing the paintings of my old gods all around me. I chuckle feeling like I will wake up, like this is all a wicked dream.

I start moving my aching bones again to scrub myself clean when I feel that pain again. A wave of sickness overcomes me in memory of what Triska said.

A child. The thought of ever having one always seemed ridiculous, like I wasn't allowed to even think that far. Since my dream of me and Ivar I often had thought about it. A dream is often far from reality but not always. He's cold and cruel to most people, I wonder how he would be to a baby.

Could he be able to love it, could I be able to love it? What am I even saying, no child deserves to insane parents.

No child deserves parents that hate each other, parents with such a relationship. But who knows if I even was with child or if I just fell stupidly.

I close my eyes trying to relax when a thought shoots up my mind making me gasp. The dream I had when I got hit by the deer. A battlefield, Me and Ivar together standing on thousands of corpses. He called me Wife, rubbing my baby bump. What if this would have happened if I didn't marry Erik? But did I really want this? I remember quite vividly how scared and disgusted I was but since then a lot has happened.
I found the lust for blood again.

As I sink my head down into the water cleaning myself from all the dirt I hear the heavy door being swung open.

I turn around seeing Triska march into the room with shaky steps.

"You said you didn't want to be Queen of people you don't know, why now Helena?" she asks giving me no space for peace.

"If you give a baby a rattle and an axe it's going to choose the rattle because it knows what it is, the axe is scaring it. I grew up, I no longer fear the axe. I answer shutting my eyes to relax again.

"Do you have any Idea what you have just left behind? Being Queen isn't just wearing a crown and sitting on a Throne all day!"