Revolution (Hamilton)

Letters

1801

"Hey Alex. Can I ask you a question" I softly ask when the morning sun starts streaming in trough the windows. "Yeah" Alexander softly hums, apparently also awake all night. "What happened before I got there" I softly ask, moving my head so I can look at the red-brown haired man. "Well I almost punched the doctor and when I saw Jimmy I fainted" he softly tells me, I kiss his cheek tenderly, tasting his salty tears on my lips. I think back at the previous morning, Alexanders weird behavior and evasive maneuvers. "Did you know he was going to do this" I choke out, the realization suddenly hitting me. Alexander clenches his jaw and nods slightly, my vision getting blurry with tears again. I turn away from his face trying to progress that information.

I take a shaky breath and think about the fact that this could have been prevented. He could have still been here "I'm sorry Bee. I'm so sorry" Alex whispers, lightly touching my waist. "Just hug me please" I turn back around and bury my head into his chest. Alexander puts his arms around me and holds me close. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" Alexander tearily repeats over and over again, the words no doubt not only meant for me. "Me too" I answer, kissing Alex softly on his lips. "I should probably check on Ann" I softly mutter, disconnecting the bittersad kiss and sluggishly get out of bed.

"Hey Ann" I softly greet my oldest daughter. She opens her eyes, but still seems to be in a daze. She doesn't reply so I sit down next to her on the bed. Reaching for the soup I brought with me, feeding her one spoon at the time. She complies peacefully and finishes the soup in fifteen minutes. I walk back to the kitchen, putting the empty bowl on the counter. Seeing Alex gardening trough a window, his bare hands in the dark dirt, hunched over the ground. I can see his lips moving from here, a habit he picked up to remember his studies. I sigh loudly, going back upstairs after a few days I decide to write some letters, a nice 'distraction' from the crushing pain on my heart.

My dearest Lafayette,

I expect you have heard the news about Jimmy's death by now. Tragedy travels fast and this is the biggest tragedy I have experienced in my life. As you know I have been trough many grievances in my lifetime, but this one outweighs the other ones by far. It feels as though my heart has been ripped out of my chest and run over by a herd of wild animals. I have no energy to pretend otherwise, so my grievance is very visible to everyone. Ann's new ailment adding more difficulty to the whole situation. Alexander is nothing like himself, spending most of his time alone in the garden, walking to the store on his own. He hasn't picked up a quill in days and I see how he carries immense guilt on his shoulders. I myself can't focus for more than a few minutes without the last moments replaying in my head. I wish that you were here my dear Lafayette. I hope you and your family are well.

Yours,

D. Hamilton

Dear Mr. Jefferson,

I hope you can pardon my absence from work. I know my personal matters shouldn't weigh into my professionalism. But they do and I'm afraid I shall be occupied for a few more weeks. I hope to hear back from you soon.

Sincerely,

D.Hamilton

My dearest Jimmy,

I fear that your namesake has suffered the same fate as you. I thought that I would honor your memory by naming my eldest son after you, but perhaps it cursed him. My best friend still and yet after my latest heartbreak I can't imagine your voice in my head anymore. Oh how our lives might have worked out if my family had been less cruel. We would be living our lives out together, perhaps I had never met John or Alexander, although I can't imagine ever holding another man in my heart the way I hold them. But if I didn't have any children than I couldn't have anything to grief over right now. If Alexander hadn't met me maybe he would be happily married with Eliza, his children never lost to the afterlife. As much as I like to think about what could have been, this timeline is the one that happened. I must deal with the consequences, my family needs me more than ever. So I must try to mend my heart or get better at concealing the cracks, thank you for being my listening ear, my forevermore best friend.

Yours for forever,

Deborah

I think back at the promise we made Jimmy, I have to tell Theodosia that he loved her. We have already told the children, but I haven't drawn up the courage to leave the house yet. Today I must tell her, I decide putting my letter to Jimmy with the others and grabbing the other two for postage. Walking past the in soft pink walls covered in paintings of flowers, downstairs to the kitchen. Alexander is still in the garden talking to himself, I put on my black coat and make my way over to him.

"Hi Lexy. I'm going over to the Burrs, do you want to come with me" I softly offer, Alexander still sitting on his knees, hunched over a patch of flowers. "No thank you. Be safe and return to me my love" he stands up for two seconds and kisses my forehead shortly. "I will" I mutter, walking over to the stables and mounting a horse. I ride to Burrs house in a slow pace, unable to bring up the energy to gallop. When I finally arrive, I knock at the door reluctantly. Aaron opens the door "Hey Deborah. I'm so sorry to hear about Jimmy" he softly offers me his condolences and gestures me inside." I've been telling Jefferson to give you some space, I trust he hasn't bombarded you with letters" he asks

walking towards the living room. "He hasn't, thank you Aaron" I sadly smile. "Can I talk to Theodosia, Jimmy left me a message to pass on to her" I ask, taking of my coat. Burr takes it from me and gently hangs it up, turning around to face me with a look of difficulty on his face. "Of course, she didn't take the news well. She has been spending most of her time in her room, quite like when her mother passed away" he gives me a sad look and gestures towards the stairs. "It's the second door on the left" I hear him say behind my shoulder, already stepping up the stairs. "Thank you Aaron" I softly reply, unsure if he actually heard it.

"Hey Theodosia" I softly knock on the door. "Come in" a small voice from inside calls. I cautiously step inside the 18 year old's bed room, seeing the brown-haired girl with brown eyes sitting on her bed in a yellow dress. "Hi Deborah" she softly mutters. I move to sit next to her, taking her hand in mine. "Hi. How are you feeling" I ask, rubbing soothing circular motions on her hand. "Sad, what are you doing here" she ask, turning her head so her brown eyes are looking into my blue ones. "Jimmy told me to tell you something when he was on his.. deathbed" I sigh, seeing tears well up into her eyes as well as my one trough the reflection in her eyes.

"He told me to tell you, that he loved you" I breathe out, the girls composure completely disappearing. She loudly starts to cry and I pull her into my embrace, trying to comfort her the best I can. After a long while and a lot of tears from both of us Aaron softly knocks on the door. "Come in" I softly announce, Theodosia still crying in my arms. Aaron thoughtfully walks in, pausing at the sight of us and visibly panicking on what to do. I gesture him over with one hand and Theodosia shifts from me to her father. "Let's go get some dinner huh" he softly tells Theodosia, softly patting her on the back. "Would you like to join us" he politely asks me.

"I should get back home, but thank you" I softly reply. Aaron nods and we walk downstairs together, Theodosia still sniffling and Aaron embracing her with one arm. "Goodbye" I wave, Aaron returning the gesture and I step outside the hall. I ride back home anxiously, wanting to feel Alexanders arms around me for comfort. When I reach my house I hop off my horse, quickly towards Alexander who is unsurprisingly still in his garden. He sees me coming towards him and stands up, opening his arms so I can fall into them. "Hey Bee" he whispers in my ear sadly.

"Hey Lexy. Let's get inside for dinner" I softly order, his body warm against mine, in actually not wanting to break the hug. "Okay Bee" he obeys, trying to break the hug. I don't let him go, instead pulling him closer "A little longer please" I choke out, Alexanders arms returning to their rightful place.

The next few nights are like the ones before, we both can't sleep. "Lexy" I whisper, stroking his face even though I know he is awake. "Yes my love" he mutters without opening his eyes. "Can we go for a walk" I ask timidly. Alexander opens his eyes slowly and gives me a kiss on my cheek. "Of course" he whispers, already getting out of bed. And so we roam the streets of New York in the dark, walking everywhere side by side. Trying to progress the grief together, while looking at all the landmarks.