I'm Worried That if I Go Outside the World will Collapse

Sparrow

Today I thought about you again and wondered why
It's sudden
This thinking
It didn't used to be this hard
This often
But this year you've taken up a residency in my head and I selfishly wish you'd leave it as suddenly as you did my life
I tried to capture your essence in a photo but it cannot show me your voice though I try desperately to remember it
It cannot show me the gentleness of your heart or the sadness rooted inside it
The same sadness I used to be blind to
The same sadness that now makes unbelievable sense
I wonder if he ever hurt you the way he's hurt us
I wonder how often he raised his voice with you
I wonder if you came to resent him in the same way I have
it shouldn't be this hard
should it?
Am I a martyr for dwelling in this pain?I was still soft with dew the morning you left but the grass is dried and I'm beginning to understand how much you meant to me and my heart aches knowing I can't bring you back
that you're really gone
the repetitiveness of being told that we will never see you again makes me queasy
did you know he had your baby?
the one you so desperately craved for years?
Though it's only a baby I can't bear to look at it for it was supposed to be yours
the papers have been signed and the way he said it was so casual
the calm may have hurt more than the storm ever did and I can't fathom why that is
why have I only begun to miss you really miss you
now
this far into your leave I should be moving on
shouldn't I?
I keep your picture on my mirror
did you know?
I understand now that you were a caged sparrow
and it's cruel to cage a sparrow
I hope with all my heart that you got it all I hope you're finally happy and I have never meant that more