Let Go of Me(BOTDF fanfic)

Just Jayy~Chapter Nine~

Here I was.

On the edge of my Hello Kitty bedspread, legs crossed Indian style with a book in my hand. My mind was reading the words, but not comprehending them. They hadn't kicked me out, they let me in without hesitation. My hair got in my eyes, covering the book in a curtain of mousy brown. I brushed it back carefully, trying unsuccessfully to make it stay. I continued to read the words on the paper just to stop myself from thinking. I had read this stupid romance novel atleast three times already, and from what I actually understood it was the stupidest novel ever written. The heroine is too co-dependent, can't do anything for herself, and men like Dan don't exist in real life. In real life being co-dependent will get you absolutely nowhere. So why do I feel like stupid Marie? Needing Dan to do everything for me so I don't have to hurt anymore?

Closing the book with an open look of disgust on my face, I threw it to the wall, where it slid down to the floor in shame. I then cuddled an unfortunate L(from DeathNote) plushie to my chest. What should I do now? I wasn't going to go back downstairs. It had been three days since the thing with Ciel, and though they didn't even mention kicking me out, there's been some sort of wall. And it's all my fault. If I had just handled my anger like a responsible person, not run to the first available person and just stayed put, I could be downstairs, teasing Dahvie and Jayy with Sally, and watching terrible horror movies we all laugh at, not sitting here in my room terrified to face them, to even begin to explain how terrible I felt after doing what I did. When he opened the door that day, Dahvie didn't even crack a smile. He seemed disappointed, and for the first time, a little mad, some frustration had worked it's way into his happy demeanor. I made him make that face. I caused this, and there was nothing I could do to undo it.

I was just another Marie, relying heavily on other people as a crutch instead of growing a backbone and fending for myself.

I hate this. I haven't eaten since I got back. Theres no way I could push their food down my throat after I had eaten Ciel's. I even tried to throw up, just to get Ciel's meal out of my system, but somehow it got stuck in my throat- a sore reminder of what I had done.

Even now my stomach grumbled and growled, but my mind told me I had no appetite. Dahvie came up a few times, asking me to unlock the door and eat, but after I said no a few times, he stopped trying.

Jayy never came up.

I'm not sure why it hurt so much, but it did. I was suppossed to be angry with him. I complelty ruined my chance at this. I have destroyed this great new life I had, for the sake of one fight, over someone I barely knew, but who now knew more about me than I ever wanted someone to know. I imagined this would happen- me sitting alone up here, abandoned by the two people willing to take me in- but I could never conjure up this scenario.

I almost had everything. I almost had a family, makeshift or not, I almost had a home, I almost had a normal life, I almost felt okay.

Then I decided to screw it up again. Maybe I'm one of those people that never earn normal. One of those people in stories, whose life never really gives them a break, just flings more desires and wants at them until they give in.

A hiccup escaped my mouth, and formed into a small giggle. Wow. I am insane. I'm so insane, I wasn't even sure of how insane I was- am.

A knock at the door cut my giggles short and made me sober up quite quickly. I am a lunatic. Another persistant knock, and I remembered what had stopped my laughter.

"Dahvie, I'm really not hungry, thanks anyway though."

The knocking stopped, and my heart flitted a little faster. That was it. This time there was no 'Are you sure?', he really just left. Damn. Water emitted from my eyes, and I tried not to get L's little felt hair wet. Just as I was about to lay back down, the door handle broke open. Not like a picked lock, I mean broken beyond repair.

As the door haphazardly swung out on it's hinges, I saw Jayy, standing there, eyes wild, and relieved when he saw me. Well, until he glanced at my bedside table. I really need to pick up don't I?

For the second time, someone saw my stuff. I had bought new razor blades, and a single lighter along with a few fat bobby pins. Nothing too major, but I still should've hidden them. Realization washed into Jayy's eyes; they had the blue contacts in them, like the day we first met. He didn't say anything at first, just fingered the items one by one, and each time he did, my back stiffened and chills tingled up and down and around again on my spinal cord.

Gripping one of the blades between his slender fingers, he squeezed until blood ran down his fingers.

"-Stop! What're you-"

Reaching from the bed, I pryed his fingers open and swiftly retrieved the blade. His hand slowly closed up, and he sat down on the bed next to me. He hadn't met my eyes but for a second when he came in, and now his averted gaze was beginning to sting. I felt as if someone punched a hoole through my stomach when I came home- now the edges were stinging with such ferocity I wasn't sure if I could stand it. No, I can.

I have to make this right, right now!

"..Jayy.. Please, can you listen to me?"

My voice was weak and trembling, like some child. But, as of now, I've been acting like a child, selfishly. I took a deep breath.

"No. You listen to me first."

Jayy said quietly, but effectively. Any words that were about to come out of my mouth vanished.

"I don't want you hanging around him anymore. I mean it. This isn't some trivial thing you can test your grounds with. He is serious trouble, and absolutely no good."

My mouth opened to say I wasn't 'testing ground' that I was just pissed off, but I bit the words back. When I thought over it, I noticed that was what I was doing. After all, you never know what is enough until you know what is too much. This time it was too much. "I understand that now. But, Jayy, I just-"

~*Jayys POV*~

I couldn't meet her eyes. It wasn't that I was extremly upset with her, though irriated quite a bit, I was just. Well, maybe a little scared of what she would see there.

I waited patiently for her response. There were really only two things she could say. Either 'Okay, I will believe you even though I have no reason to, but I will trust you. Or, 'You're a freak, you should explain your reasons before ordering me to do something' and storm out right back to that bastard.

"Jayy, I just-"

A flurry of motion moved beside me, and now she was on her feet in front of me, head facing down as she bowed.

"I am so sorry Jayy! What I did was terrible and rude, and I hate that I did it and-"

~*Dice POV*~

Just as my apology was coming out. What am I saying? That's so stupid! I didn't mean for it to come out that way! I just-

And them soft warmth brushed my lips slightly and my eyes flashed open. His lips were on mine. His beautiful, perfect lips were touching my chapped, faded ones. God I wish I had put Carmex on.

He pulled away, and I looked into his eyes. Scowling at him, his face contorted into a hurt, confused expression, I instantly felt bad afterward about.

"What?"

As I tried to hide my irritation, I said "Take out those damned contacts."

A smile ripped across his skin, and I smiled back, but faintly. There was still something on my mind, bothering me.

"One more thing. Why, well why didn't you tell me about the band thing?"

First a look of shock registered on is face, but relaxed into sort of a playful truth."The same reason you didn't want us to know about Vista. Just to have sort of a clean slate, to see how you reacted to us when you didn't know we had lots of money."

Wow. That was it? Now I really felt stupid. I risked this family over that? I can't believe it; the weight on my chest lifted, and took some of the sting with it. But that hole, the punched hole, was still present. I knew this matter wasn't over. There was still Ciel. And Dahvie. But for now, I think I'm fine with just Jayy.