Let Go of Me(BOTDF fanfic)

Connections~Chapter Eighteen~

I'm not even going to excuse myself this time, Im just going to say I am so sorry Dx

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When I woke, I found  I was back in my bed at Ciels house. I hiccupped a bit, and tried not to think about last night, but that was not possible. What did Hayden have to do with this? Why does the past always have to come back and bite me in the ass? I hurried down to the kitchen to hear Ciel, making something. Being as silent as I could, I grabbed some shoes by the front door, and after gently shutting it, I sprinted to the house across the street. I opened the door (which was unlocked. Band members these days huh?) and listened. I heard a fan whurring upstairs and slight snoring. Good. I took the stairs two at a time, and made a sharp turn. The door was jarred, and I was almost scared to open it. Would I find Sally again, half naked laying at the edge of the bed, oblivious that she had done anything wrong?

 But she didn't do anything wrong, A voice inside of me reminded. 

You guys were not dating, Jayy is not your family and he has no obligations to you. He can sleep with whoever he wants.

I knew the voice was right, but it stung. It stung a lot. I shook my head and got ahold of myself. I pushed the door open and crawled inside. I made my way to the side of the bed, where I saw discarded pants. I patted the pockets to hear a faint jingling. 

"aha", I say in triumph as I pull the keys out the pockets. I stood up, and made the deadly mistake of looking down. Jayy was there, his eyes wide open, watching me. I froze- what else could I do? His solemn brown eyes boring into me, begging for something.... me? I quickly shut that thought out as soon as it popped up. Yeah, you would want that, you stupid girl. I tore my eyes away, but not before I saw a slight glistening. Was he- crying? I stormed out the room before I gave myself more time to process it. I padded down the steps, and heard nothing from upstairs. He wasn't following me and he sure as hell wasn't stopping me. Why did that hurt?

I glanced up to see two long gloves, hanging peacefully from the ceiling. Remembering the day when I needed those made me smile. I can't even begin to comprehend how I thought those would save me now. They were cloth- they never provided any real protection. And I know that now. I crossed the threshold, and walked toward Jayys car. I pushed myself in the drivers seat and held my breath until I could roll down the window.

There was no way that his scent was going to make me turn back. Hurriedly, I made several turns onto weird back roads that I had taken too many times. Finally I arrived at my destination- Haydens house.

~*~*~*~*~*~Jayy~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 She doesn't understand. Dahvie told me what happened last night. I slammed my hand against the side table in frustration, only to splinter under my hand. Damn, another thing I've broken in the last week. She heard everything wrong- and I don't know how much Ciel has told her either. Why can't she understand?

What is there for her to understand? Everything Dahvie said was true, and Ciel has no real reason to lie to her. She knows the truth.

Ignoring the voice in my head that seemed too coherent, I thought more, having a small pity party. Why can't she just believe in me?

She's trying to believe in you. Shes doing what she can so don't let her down. Not again. 

Why does it hurt? I dragged my hand which was bleeding now to my chest and clutched it tightly. Why does it hurt? Why does it hurt right here?

~*~*~*~*~Dice~*~*~*~~*~*

"Yes, Hayden was very close to Jayy and Dahvie, they were nice boys."

My teacup nearly dropped from my hand. I gripped it tighter and kept my eyes glued to the floor. Why.? What other secrets did Hayden keep from me? I bit my tongue. He is allowed to have secrets Dice. You're the only one who pours your entire heart into everyone you meet.