Nothing Lasts Forever (Phan)

Chapter 6

Dan POV

I love Phil.
I love Phil.
I love Phil.
The words keep echoing around in my brain. The world spins around me and I find myself stumbling over to my bed, sitting down, consciously making the effort to breathe.
How could this happen? Our fans were right, they were right all along. If they were right on my account, could that mean Phil loved me?

No, that wasn't fair to ask of him, not now when he needed me to support him. The last thing he needed was me announcing I was gay. Maybe later, when he had stopped grieving. Maybe then I would tell him. Maybe he would love me back. But then, what if he didn't? As far as I knew Phil was straight. And I knew everything about Phil. I had been there when he made the V-day video. We made it as a social experiment, but it went wrong when everyone took it completely literally and wouldn't shut up about it.

But did he mean it? Phil came up with it on the first place? Did he wanted to say he loved me, but felt I would reject him? I groan and feel tears burning at the corner of my eyes again. This wasn't fair. Why did life all have to happen at once? It couldn't spread itself out one problem at a time no. It had to drive us all insane with how busy we are one day, and then leave with nothing for weeks.

My head starts to ache so I go and get some aspirin, before changing and climbing into bed. I clutch my phone to my chest, debating whether or not to call Phil. I just needed to hear his voice, but I felt like as soon as I did I would confess my discovery. Would it be that bad though? If he knew? He would tell me how he felt and I could either have to take back my earlier comments about not being gay or pick up the shattered pieces of my broken heart.

In the end, I start to feel like the bed is too big for me alone. I want to reach in the sea of sheets for Phil, but he isn't there. Making up my mind, I hit the call button on my phone, waiting for Phil to pick up.
"Dan." A tearful Phil breathes in relief. "I shouldn't have sent you home I was wrong, now I'm crying and I can't stop and I need you."
I need you too, I think but don't say. We need each other in different ways. Phil needed me because he was grieving and needed a friend to comfort him. I needed him selfishly. Because I was lonely and wanted a friend. Ever since high school and not having friends, I hated being lonely. Maybe that was why I loved Phil, because he had stuck with me since the moment we met. And I knew he wouldn't leave me anytime soon. That made up my mind. I wouldn't tell Phil because I couldn't risk losing what we already had.
"Well I'm here now." I try to comfort a sobbing Phil.
"But you're not here, here." He argues.
"Its only for two nights then you'll be back here with me."
"I can't-" Phil hiccups as another sob wracks his body. "I can't Dan. I can't be alone."
"You're not alone, your Mum's there."
"But your not."
"Phil." I whisper, longing to be there. "Phil it'll be okay."
But it won't, a voice in my head says. You'll still be here together, but apart. You'll be so close, but so far. Because you can't tell him. You'll have to pretend you don't feel anything and hope it goes away. But you know won't. It won't go away. It'll get worse. Tears make their way down face, and I try to keep them silent.
"Just until Wednesday?" Phil sounds young and vulnerable. I swallow the lump in my throat before answering.
"Just until Wednesday."
Except it won't. I couldn't stay here with Phil and not tell him, it would eat away at me. But I couldn't tell him, or I would destroy everything I earned for in childhood. I would lose my only friend.
"Okay, Skype you tomorrow?" Phil sounds like he's stopped crying.
"Yeah." I lie.
"Goodnight Dan."
"Goodbye Phil." I say, and hang up. "I love you." I say to my empty room, tears flowing down my face. I knew what I had to do. Tomorrow, I would have to leave.
I lay down, making myself try to breathe evenly, but in the end, I cry myself to sleep.

When I wake in the morning, I listlessly eat a bowl of cereal in silence. Afterwards, I take a shower and get ready. I repack my bag with more clothes, money everything I would need. I didn't want to do this, but it wasn't fair on either of us for me to screw everything up both of us. Phil would miss me probably, but he could find a wife, have kids, continue to be successful and loved by his fans. Me? I would fade into the background. Lay low and stay out of contact. Maybe in ten years or so I could track Phil down and see how he got on. Meet his wife, kids. By then I should've moved on, or accepted the facts. My phone starts to ring and I start down at Phil's name, not answering. If this was going to work I couldn't keep in contact. Eventually the ringing stops and I pick up my phone again, ringing my mother.
"Hey mum?" I ask. "Is it okay if I come and stay for a while?"

Tears pour down my face as I scrounge for a bit of paper and a pen.

I'm sorry Phil.
You won't understand but, I needed to leave. I'll explain one day, but for now, forget about me. Found a wife, have kids. Don't feel bad for me. I'm sorry.
Dan.

The note is short and simple, and I put it on the fridge, where he was sure to see it. Then I leave. I lock the door behind me and out the key under the doormat. Taking a deep breath, I begin to walk down the stairs.

Away from home.

Away from Phil.

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WHAT AM I DOING?!?!?!?!!? Someone kill me!!!! I'm crying!!! Why am I doing this??? THIS IS WHY I DONT WRITE FANFICTION SomethingPhanRelated