Nothing Lasts Forever (Phan)

Chapter 16

Phil POV

I got out of bed and set up the camera in my room. I didn't even plan what I was going to say, I knew I just needed to end this. As soon as everything was set up, I sat on my bed for a minute staring at the camera. Was this really the last time I was going to do this?

"Hey guys. Um, I need to say before I properly start this video, that a lot of you aren't going to like what I'm about to say. But please, don't try and change my mind because this is easily the hardest decision I've ever had to make." I pause, I wasn't going to cry in this video.

"You all know my origin story, and some of you have been with me since before I knew Dan, and that blows my mind. This is as hard for me as it is for you, trust me. As most of you will know by now, I asked everyone to stop looking for Dan. If he wants to come home, then he'll come home, we can't force him. So if you haven't already, call off your search parties and private investigators, I'm done fighting for someone that doesn't want to be fought for. I'm not giving up on Dan, I'll never give up on him, after all, he turned me gay." I laugh slightly.

"But as most of you will know, Dan quit YouTube. And over the years, danisnotonfire and AmazingPhil have become a pair. We're like socks, you can't just wear one. Well you can but- you get what I mean. Without Dan doing it with me, I can't keep being AmazingPhil. I don't want to keep being AmazingPhil. We were introduced into everything together. We did everything together, and don't know how we didn't see it earlier, but we were meant to be together. I think we might have missed that chance. So this is me, taking off my AmazingPhil, costume, and just sitting here, being Phillip Michael Lester. AmazingPhil will always be a part of me, just danisnotonfire will. But for now, and possible forever, AmazingPhil is saying goodbye internet."

I stop for a minute staring at the camera. 

"I promised myself I wouldn't cry in this video, so I'm going to end it here, but not really. The rest of this video is a message for Dan, so even though I know most of you will keep watching anyway, you could stop here, just like AmazingPhil is."

I pause.

"Dan, I love more than you will probably ever know. And if I don't just to show you, then I hope you know that, unless you come back, I'm probably going to die alone because no one will ever be you. I hope someday you see this, and it isn't to late for us. I don't want there to never be an us, because the truth is, I always wanted phan to be real, that was always my biggest dream. And I hope it still can be. Come home Dan, and maybe, AmazingPhil and danisnotonfire will come back with you." 

I end the video. My last video. Maybe not forever. I hoped not forever, because forever would mean Dan never came home. I set it uploading. It was two am. But I didn't go to bed. I sat and watched it upload. And then I watched the comments. Tears ran down my face, the phone rang, but it wasn't Dan, so I didn't answer. Mum knocked on the door, but she wasn't Dan, so I didn't let her in. People tweeted me, but they weren't Dan so I didn't reply.

Finally I went back to bed. I curled up in the sheets, and remembered every memory I had with Dan. I laughed to myself. I cried to myself. I let myself have this moment of insanity. I started screaming, just trying to rid myself of this emotion. I was over flowing, and I couldn't stop. I tore through Dan's room, going through everything that we bought together. I tore through my room. I let myself be insane, I knew tomorrow I would fix it. Then destroy it again the next night.

"This is your fault Dan! You did this to me! You came into my life and changed me! You made me love you! You promised me you wouldn't leave! And now where are you?! Do you even know where you are?!" 

I continue screaming to Dan wishing he would hear me. Wishing he would realize what he had done. Who was he with right now? Was he going to tell them he loved them and would never and move onto the next person? I sunk to the ground in the hallway. Dan wouldn't do that. I knew that. But why did he do it to me? Did he even love me? Did I mean anything to him?

I keep torturing myself with all these questions, even when I already knew he did love me and that was why he ran away. But I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop acting like he didn't love me, because it was easier to pretend you don't love someone if they don't love you. 

But I loved him.

And he loved  me.

We couldn't pretend we didn't.