Nothing Lasts Forever (Phan)

Chapter 9

Dan POV

I look down at my phone as it dings, expecting another call or text from Phil. Instead it was a youtube notification, Phil had uploaded a video, I'm So Lonely, I Have Nobody.
I laugh slightly to myself, clicking on the video.

"Hey guys, sorry for falling off the face of the earth, but if you've watched Dan's newest video, you'd know that I had a lot of family stuff going on. It turns out my dad had a brain tumour, and he passed away two weeks ago."

I frown as I notice Phil's eyes were red rimmed, like he had been crying. Pausing the video, I look closer, he had been crying. Bracing myself, I un-pause the video.

"My mum has moved into an apartment just a couple of floors down from ours though, so it'll be nice for both of us to be close right now. But um, yeah, something's kind of, um yeah."
Phil never stuttered like that, he would edit it out. Suddenly I realised this video wasn't edited. I felt a slight pang of terror in my heart.
"Dan went to Manchester with me, and I sent him home yesterday, I only got back a couple of hours ago, but I came home, but Dan was gone. He wasn't in contact at all for today so I was worried already cos it wasn't like him and- I found this note."

Phil waves my note at the camera, his eyes welling up with tears.
"Phil." I whisper.
"It basically says to forget him because-"

Phil stops, swallowing, he was visibly trying not to cry. I find my own eyes welling up with tears as he gives up and starts crying.
"It basically says to forget him because he's not coming back. Now I've rung everyone on my contacts to see if they know anything, and either no one does, or they do and they're lying, because no one has seen him. I'm not giving up, I have everyone on high alert and now you guys too. If you see Dan anywhere, you corner him and tell him to come home because Phil needs him."

The video ends without any form of end screen. It just freezes on Phil's crying face.
"Mum!" I yell. I was staying in my old bedroom at my parents house.
"Yes?" She appears in my doorway.
"Did Phil call you?" I demand. Mum pales slightly.
"Yes he did, but before you ask I didn't say anything."
I sigh, but I wasn't sure it was in relief.
"Thanks."
"Dan why won't you go home? It's been four hours and you're both already a mess!"
"You don't understand Mum, it's not that simple." I lean forward, resting my elbows on my knees, hands clasped. Mum sighs from the doorway, crossing the room to sit next to me.
"Dan you love him, that was the first thing you said when you walked through that door. Why are you doing this to him? He needs you more than ever right now and you've just run away!" She exclaims. I groan.
"I know, but, I can't be there and not tell him! And I can't tell him right now either!"
"Why not?" Mum asks.
I look up at her.
"Put yourself in Phil's position. Your father has just died. And your same gender best friend, who has never made any implications that he might be gay, suddenly comes in and says, I love you."
Mum sighs. "I know what you mean Dan, but, I also know yours and Phil's relationship. If he doesn't like you back then yes, it will be awkward for a while, but you will get over it, and then it'll go back to normal. But in my opinion, I've been waiting for you two to come out just like that phandom of yours."
I groan as Mum chuckles slightly.
"Any other time I'd love to have you here, but right now, I wish you'd go home."
With that Mum stands to leave.
"Mum wait." I call as she is almost out the door. "Can I borrow your camera?"

I set up to film, thinking over what I was going to say. Taking a deep breath, I start recording and sit on my bed.
"Hello Internet. It's been a long time since I've filmed here." I gesture around my old room. "Now I'm aware Phil has told you I left with a mysterious note, and there's thing blowing up my Twitter feed about #comehomehowell?" I pause, did I really want to do this? Would they understand and help Phil? Or would this make it worse?
"Screw it." I whisper. Them I look up to the camera. "I love you Phil. That's why I left. Because right now, you need a friend to support you, not me announcing I'm gay. I didn't want to put you under more stress than you already are, that's why I can't come home. Because even if you love me back, the last thing you need is 'phan coming out' and everyone freaking out over that." Suddenly I realise I'm crying. I shake my head, this had to stop. My heart hammers in chest. This wasn't the only thing that needed to stop.
"Without you Phil, I can't keep doing any of this." I gesture to the camera. "Give me a ring when you've got a kid that needs an uncle. I love you. I love all of you." I squeeze my eyes shut and clench my teeth. Was I really about to do this? "Goodbye Phil. Goodbye Internet."

I stop the filming and set it to upload. Forget editing. I watch as the video starts to upload, tears streaming down my face. Curling up in a ball on my side, the video keeps uploading. Twenty percent. Twenty one percent. Twenty two percent. I didn't have to do this. I could hit cancel and I wouldn't throw away everything. No. Phil needs to know. He needed to know I couldn't be with him anymore. And without an AmazingPhil, who was danisnotonfire? Soon I fall into a nightmare plagued sleep.

I was banging on the door to our apartment, screaming at Phil to let me in. Through the window I could see Phil, someone girl and a little boy sitting around a Christmas tree holding hands. Suddenly Phil looks up and sees me. A glare crosses his face and he storms over to the door. Just as he's about to open it, I wake up.

My laptop sits beside me. I sit up and watch the final chance I had to take it back stepped away. Ninety eight percent. Ninety nine percent. One hundred. I watch the comments pour in, the tweets, the outrage at what I had done.

I let out a scream. It tore through my body, ripping my heart in half. My throat burned and I did it again.
"This is what was meant to happen! I wasn't meant to meet you Phil! I was ready to die and not deal with pain! But then you came along and taught me life was good! Well you lied! If life is so good, why am I like this now?! This is who I was meant to be! A mess that nobody wants!" I scream at my laptop one more time.

And then I smash it against the wall.