Dangerous Affection

Chapter Seven

Emma

I wake up at midnight, and that’s when I hear the telltale signs: the creaking of the third and sixth stairs, the suppressed cough, the landing light shining through a crack in the door.

Shaun is finally home.

My breaths immediately become shallow. It took me ages to get to sleep earlier, the fury and frustration coursing through my veins like wind through a tunnel.

In the end I decided I couldn’t leave Maisie on her own; of course I couldn’t. It was never a real consideration, I was just playing with myself, letting myself believe for a few hopeful minutes that I might still be able to fulfil Joanne’s request and somehow get into work.

I can’t imagine how Joanne, as a single mother, pulls it off. She probably has a vast network of family members to help her out. I’ve never known her call in because her daughter is ill or the childminder has let her down.

I waited and waited last night, willing my phone to ring, but there was radio silence. Shaun didn’t answer any of my calls or texts. There was simply no response from him at all. Likewise, I heard nothing from my mum.

Finally I was forced to text my apologies to Joanne and say I wouldn’t be able to make it in after all. She didn’t reply.

‘Anyone would think I’m five years old or something,’ Maisie said moodily when I told her I’d be staying home. ‘Carla Bridges’ mum leaves her on her own every Saturday night until eleven thirty and she’s in my class.’

I push the nugget of disturbing information from my mind. That can stay on Carla Bridges’ mum’s conscience. I don’t want it on mine.

It occurs to me that a couple of months ago, if Shaun hadn’t come home or sent word that he’d be late, I’d have been out of my mind with worry. I’d have had no problem creating a dozen awful scenarios as to where he might be: there had been an accident of some sort, someone had stolen his phone, he was lying in hospital unconscious…

But since our mutual decision to split, I’ve somehow subconsciously erected an internal barrier that prevents me from becoming as invested in his life.

I wonder now if that barrier has provided free rein for him to look elsewhere for a relationship.

It’s not myself I’m worried about if he’s spending time with someone else, but Maisie. This was to be a fresh start for her and her dad to spend some quality time together.

My fingers find the edge of the quilt cover in the dark and I twist the fabric tightly until it feels like it might tear.

I guess in the end we both wanted different things. We’ve always been polar opposites in our ambition: his ambivalence to his career, my obsession with my own. After a while, it was just easier to carry on on our own individual paths than to forge one together.

So now I’m able to evaluate the situation logically and calmly. Although I’m still fond of him, I no longer love him. Shaun is an adult, Maisie’s father. A man who has recently made a willing commitment to our new arrangement and has sadly already let me down very badly.

Earlier, I just felt annoyance and an overwhelming sense of the unfairness of it all: that he could prove to be so unreliable at the exact time a perfect, rare opportunity arose to show my potential at work.

Unreliability wasn’t a side of him I’d been used to seeing, but I can’t help but wonder if he has already discovered a new sense of freedom.

At least Mum eventually returned my call at 8.30.