No, I'm Just Delusional (Phan) RE-WRITE IN PROCESS

Young and Innocent

Phil-

As the figure comes closer I realise it is not Dan but someone else. I am stuck in place not knowing I if should run or not. They approach cautiously and I come to the realisation that it is PJ. I panic a little but figure I know these streets better than him so I can escape if I need to. I pretend to not notice him and he stands in front of me. He is dressed in all black and his green eyes shine brightly in the darkness. His face remains neutral and I fake annoyance.

“What do you want?” I ask more confident than I feel.

“Huh, you think your tough Lester? You've got another thing coming. I was there this morning. Dan shouldn't of helped a faggot like you. You know that don't you? That your just a waste of space and that no one likes you I bet you fucked up family agree with me on that don't you think?” PJ's voice is hard and his face contorts with anger whilst talking about Dan, he takes a step closer.

"I know.” I feel ashamed and look down at my feet. “ No one even knows I exist.” I take a deep breath and meet Pj's eyes. They hold astonishment and another emotion that I can't quite comprehend. PJ sighs. “Why does nothing I say affect you?”

"It doesn't because I know it is true, I have...”

Pj interrupts me bring his head closer and closer and my words drift away. His lips touch mine and a mixture of emotions run through my mind. What is happening? Am I imagining this? Is PJ gay? I am I gay?

PJ breaks away. A look of panic comes across his face,“Tell anyone and I'll kill you.” He turns and sprints away into the bushes. My head is still spinning and I am so confused. I get of the swing and instantly feel nauseous. I stumble around and manage to make it out of the park. It takes me a while but I regain my feet and get home in one piece. I get a few odd looks on the way but I just shook then off and got inside. I checked my watch and it was eleven o'clock and I knew my mum would be worried. I slowly open the door cringing when the hinge gives a loud screech. I slip in the small gap and hope I didn't wake anyone up. I walk over towards the stairs and scurry up the first few stairs when I hear a voice that fills me with fear. “ What do you think, your doing?” The booming voice turns my blood cold and I keep my back to him.

I can now feel his repulsive breath on my neck, I shiver and I can tell he takes delight in my show of weakness. “Turn around.” His voice is gruff and as I do he grabs me by the collar of my shirt and throws me across the room. I grunt on impact and slide down into a ball. I move into the conner cowering as he lifts his hand. I close my eyes and before impact. I open my eyes and see my brother who is only seven looking down at me with pain filled eyes. He turns and runs, I heat his door slam shut. I close my eyes again trying to block out the pain.

I feel the floor vibrate and his heavy footstep echo around the house. Nothing else can be heard, save for my harsh breathing. 'I can do this.” I tell myself, just like the hundreds of times before. John lifts his leg and swings it into my chest winding me and making me cough and pant. He keeps kicking me then abruptly stops and falls to the ground. Passed out from the amount to alcohol in his system no doubt.

I lay on the floor for a couple of minutes regaining my breath. I slowly sit up making sure I don't move to quickly, my head is still pounding. I stagger up the stairs and lock the door on my room. I lay face down on my small bed. I can hear sobbing and open my door and follow the sound to my brothers room down the hall. He is lying with his head in his pillow, his body racking with sobs. I knock, startling him and he jumps up and wipes his tears away.

I don't say anything just simply go and hug him. He cries on my shoulder and I feel so guilty. I am the one causing him to cry. I am the reason he is in pain. I have to do something and prevent him from turning out like me. I left him go and head for the door but before I do I tell him “ Little brother, you are only young and have not yet experienced the worlds wonders, neither have I, but we have also seen the horrors of the world. One day brother I promise I will take you away from this place and these people and you will live in a place full of hope and joy, not sadness and regret. We will see the true wonders of the world, feast on chickens and one day we will escape this hell hole. Do you hear me Little Brother?” He nods back with a knowledge far greater than his years. I smile to him and close his door.

When I get into by room, I take out my journal from under my floorboard. If anyone every found it everything I've tried to hide, my hopes and ambitions and my darkest hours would be revealed. Again I am overwhelmed with a sorrow so great that I can only relieve it with physical pain.

I grab my razor blade and drag it across my skin getting deeper. Thoughts running through my mind. Dan helped me. PJ kissed me. My brother needs me. I stop. My brother needs me. He doesn't deserve this life. He is too young, he doesn't deserve me. I will find away to give him a life. The life that no one else will spare.

I write :

So perhaps today wasn't hell. Maybe in physical sense, and emotional in some ways, but for once in five years the hope I have at the start of the day has not died. I don't know why. I also managed to stop my self cutting bad. I need to be there for my brother and as long as I have him at heart, I can prevail against anything. Even myself.