By New Year's Eve.

Chapter 29 - Sebastian

Silence and chaos. Both are happening inside my mind at the same time. It's like a chaotic silence. Yeah, that's it. I cannot quiet it down. Half the time I don't have any idea what I am thinking even. It is so fast. It feels like my thoughts are happening at lightning speed and I am too slow to even understand them. So, all I feel is chaos. Thousands of thoughts roaming around. As well as memories. Yeah, memories of not just past few days but earlier too are now living rent free in my brain. Things I thought I forgot. Events, that have previously been blacked out by me are now present. In my mind. Constantly reminding me. There are certain things a person forgets or blacks out not because of alcohol but because they are too painful. But now they are all back. Had I known this would be the result I never would have gotten drunk or eaten the chocolate in the first place. Welcome to my post-Christmas fiasco mind!

I have been quiet for days now. I mean I say words but very rarely. I cannot get my thoughts to slow down. And my memories yeah, they are not helping. As most of them involve stuff I did to Liv over the years. Apparently, I was not that much of a good brother as I previously imagined myself to be. Not only did the memory about the fiasco that is the Christmas evening, flood my brain. But the drunken driving thing, the night I sat outside Liv's bedroom imagining Liv and Mac having sex. These are just recent ones. Then there are ones, where I have imagined stuff Liv doing to me. Like I remember there was a time when Alicia, the senior who made a joke out of me. When she first made fun of me. I told Liv immediately even though she was still in middle school she helped me. Now I remember I imagined her going to Alicia and telling her stuffs about me so that she can laugh about me. I remember I snapped at Liv after that for no apparent reason. I also remember times afterwards. All things I did, after I imagined stuff. Mostly Liv doing something to hurt me.

What I still don't get is why did I imagine Liv doing stuff to hurt me over the years? I mean she never did anything to hurt me purposely ever. Even now that she has fallen for Mac, I cannot blame her. Mac is like that girl, she is perfect, she is kind and also gorgeous. I do not blame Liv for falling for Mac. Yeah, I would have liked a heads-up but then again, I understand if Liv didn't know how to tell me that. It must have been extremely hard for Liv to figure out stuff on her own. Especially since she never had a crush to begin with. I am sure she has been struggling. And she couldn't even come to me for the fear that she will hurt me. And yet I kept on imagining things Liv would do to me. Why didn't my unconscious brain remember, all the good things Liv did for me? Just why?

Yesterday, we went out to the bowling alley as a family first. It was a family outing of sorts. I don't know why mom and dad even bothered. I mean Liv clearly didn't think it would be great. And I? Well, I am more like moving with the motions these days. It's been three days since Christmas. So, at first the bowling thing was bad. Why? Because the first team was Liv and me versus our parents. Yeah, we would have been good had we been talking. Since I cannot say anything to Liv but 'sorry' whenever I see her. Talking is not happening. Then again, I rarely say one or two words throughout the day. The games went on. I don't even know who won, or even what happened. I remember the time we went to have lunch well, let's just call it food. Untimely. So, Liv, I think, she swallowed her burger and fries in seconds. I was shocked to see her eat that fast. I remember she noticed my look. I just couldn't help but be shocked by my sister. Damn.

Another thing I remember about the bowling alley is Liv and Mac. You would think I would remember anything regarding bowling. Yeah, no. None of us were good enough for me to remember. Plus, it was too quiet. Nobody said a single word. Till the Wilsons joined us. I was a little thrown with Mac there. But was glad as I saw Liv light up seeing Mac. Then they went to get fries and I sort of followed them. I stayed behind. Not hidden yet not intruding in on their time. I watched them interact, both of them laugh, blush, smile. They held hands once, their gazes. All told me how much they care about each other. The way Mac was the whole time, showed me how much she cares about my sister. And Liv, she just lit up like a Christmas tree. I cannot ever stand in her way of happiness, no matter how much sad I feel now. Also, Mac is gay, she likes girls. And last time I checked I wasn't one.